So what you gone do?

My being has been weakened. My heart nor my mind can fathom the words to express how either of them feel.. So I'll just write until my hands can't either.
Everyday there is something new and that's a given. Whether it be good or bad it's always something. What's today's something? This indescribable feeling teeter tottering between sanity and desperation. So thirsty for explanation without a drop of hydration in sight. But that's life isn't it? There's no explanation or map to aid us in any shape form or fashion. Sure we can look at the next person's life or our own lives and take note, but what good do these notes do if we don't know how to utilize them? So I lay here, with my legal pad of notes reviewing my life - mistakes and decisions I've made, values my parents instilled in me, and a few cliff notes from people watching - and I haven't a clue what any of it means. Everyday is a struggle to gain knowledge and move forward, but I just seem to be at a stand still. Everyday my mind is consumed of thoughts collected about then, now and what may come. They just kind of sit there and swim around one another, just as lost as their owner. They say that every happening has a purpose, a meaning,  a lesson intertwined in some way. To attempt to figure it all out at once is just a silly thought. Life is one of those things you have to take your time with and nurture. You can't try to treat her like an adolescent and direct her because she will indeed be the one to send you packing, asking yourself what the hell were you thinking.  See life is nothing to fuck with. You only get one of these fuckers, but at least you've got the entire time to figure it out.. to work with it & that is exactly what  I'm learning to do. Taking life one day at a time and I'm rolling with the punches.. winging it so to speak.
If there is one thing I've learned about myself in my time, it is that I am incapable of giving up. Now mind you, there is a difference between giving up and making a power move. Sometimes one must summon their intellect to not make what would necessarily be considered the right move, but the best move. After all, who knows what is better for you than you. Everyday you will have to look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are responsible for your own circumstances - then, now and whenever. Everybody makes fucked up decisions and that is just something that we have to deal with.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that life, in a sense, is what you make it. Granted at times there will be some not so helpful circumstances, but it will always and forever be up to you what you do next.
"Driving down the road with a couple more miles to go. I'm so close but they don't know." - Mac Miller
PEACE

Time out

Laying here for the past hour attempting to drift into a dream and attain some temporary sense of sanity.. all I keep thinking to myself is how much I continually give to life, love and everything else, and how little of it I see in return. I just give and give and give so selflessly telling myself it'll be worth it in the end. But what do I know? I'm 22 years old and I need guidance more than ever. Consistently looking to another individual for answers to questions I can't even decipher for myself.
It just seems like every time I see dawn, sunset directly proceeding it. I feel like I can't catch a break.. but that's my fault for thinking that life is something I should already knla how to handle. I know and have known in my heart for some time now that life is much more than what meets the eye. It's guns and butter, checks and balances, trial and error .. Life AND Death. None of which are to be tampered with.
See me I fucked up. Thinking that I could manipulate life into being what I wanted it to be, trying to finesse her and sweet talk into giving me my way.. and just like a female as soon as I thougt I had her where I wanted her she consistently reminds me who the HBIC is and puts me right back in my place. Needless to say, I find myself put in my place yet again like a kid in time out.
You know what I'm gonna do now though? Sit in time out and think about what I've done. But more importantly, I'll be plotting my next move.. my power move. Now is not the time for frivolous acts of desperation, but for intellectually plotted moves with precision. A time to compile all of these supposed lessons of life, man handle her ass, put some gorilla glue on her ass and tell her what it is and what it's gonna be. This here is just the beginning.
"Life is what you make it, I hope you make a movement. I hope the opportunity survives the opportunist." -Nipsey Hussle
PEACE

Florida. Summer 2011

Having time on your hands is supposed to provide you with the opportunity to do things you normally don't have the time to dedicate to. Problem is, in order for this theory to work properly one would actually need to possess things to do and the means to do them other than the time, and this is where my problem lies.
For the last two days I've been sitting on my ass with no money, friends or transportation to keep my mind off of the reality of my situation. I'm all the way in god damn Florida away from everything and everyone I can recollect a memory of since I was 9 years old. I moved here with someone whom I believed to be a friend. Not to say that I'm not thankful for the opportunity but shit, I got placed in a fucked up situation that tore my friendship apart and tarnished what little faith I had left in the institution of friendship.

Lemons.

Packed and ready with nowhere to go I can feel the tears towering behind my eyes. Accepting fault and swallowing ones pride are one in the same and I've done a great deal of both in these past few months. Still I cannot retrace my steps in order to grasp an explanation as to how i've become a part of this clusterfuck of a situation. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've found myself fucked over. Life's given me so many god damn lemons I'm bout ready to start chucking them shits back at it screaming " Fuuuuck Youuuuu! " .. The shit's getting old.
I know that life isn't easy and since I was 12 years old I've been acquainted with this theory - not that that makes it any easier to bare - all I'm saying is that I'm no stranger to struggle.
Back and forth I'm going in my head trying to figure out what to do  when it dawns on me that I'm not ready to throw in the towel, bow out gracefully or wave the white flag. It's never been in my nature to quit,explaining  why I'm having such an internal conflict about this mess. I feel as though.. I KNOW this is where I belong. I told myself I wouldn't look back.. That I wouldn't and couldn't turn my back on my goals.. & I won't.
When times get hard I just remind myself "On the rise to  the top, many people drop. Don't forget, in order to survive gotta learn to love with regrets." - Sean Carter
PEACE