If I could stop the world and bask in your aura, it would be everything to me. All that is you, beyond my view ...
In thee exact moment in which the world would stop, we would run ... As fast as we could until we reached OUR Nirvana .
Yet truthfully, you're my Paradise, my escape, my wonder wall, myyyyyy Nirvana.
- and
This morning my mind seems to be anywhere but here, while my body is wishing it was anywhere but here all at the same time. I don't know if it's because I didn't have my coffee at my regulated time or the lack of time taken in getting ready for work this morning - I just kinda rolled out of bed.
I'm never really sure why I feel this particular way when I do. Which is often. Though, more often than not I conclude these reasons after the mood is gone, it always seems to be something different, yet similar to past experiences.
Ehhhh.
In retrospect I can say that I cared too much, tried too hard and possibly pushed too soon. But what do you do when infatuated? I can't just sit back and watch such a treasure slip through my fingers as sand would an hourglass. But, yet again, in retrospect I can say that I was blind. What you want isn't for everybody, and what may work for the next person is more than likely not the best thing for you. But, how does one differentiate the two? It's hard enough comparing your wants and needs as is.
I wish everything could be like weed: DEFINITELY good for your mind, body and soul.
Everything happens for a reason.
Today I decided to leave for work a little earlier than usual to grab some cigarettes. In doing so, I found myself in the presence of a woman who had fallen on hard times. I gave her a few ciggs for the day and we proceeded to converse, and our conversation was rather interesting. Here's what I gathered.
People are who they are. It is not in our power to change these people. It is, however in our power to either allow them into our lives, or let them go on their separate paths.
Look at the people around you and ask yourself, "Do you deserve to be a part of my life?" Assess and adapt.
Restless.
Tension amidst my shoulder blades has reached an insurmountable peak.
Thoughts ricochet off the walls of my mind, creating an echo in silence.
Emotions scramble. Scurrying from the shadows of my mind as they attempt to phase them out.
Ignorant, is the heartless man.
Blind, is the heart with no mind.
Days like this intoxicate me with your memory.
Our conversation dissipates as you dip in and out of sleep. It seems as though the doctor's prescription of two a day didn't suffice for your addictive personality. But still, I sit. Recognizing that your spirit coupled with your physical beauty was a blessing for my family and I. I used to wonder what I'd do if ever I were without you, and the answer still isn't clear.
Echoes of our last conversation bounce around in my head relentlessly. Unable to translate this black hole of emotions I've become, I catch a glimpse of the proverbial silver lining and bask in it. More often than not, I find myself at a loss for words when you come to mind. My mother, my mentor, my best friend. Days seem longer now that you're gone. Life a little bit harder. Yet as I sit here crying tears of pain, anger, love and longing in your memory, I can't help but smile. Now all we'll ever have is good times.
Stop.
You couldn't fathom the life that I live.
Oh. You saw this smile and thought that everything was everything didn't you. Lmfao. Don't be so naïve.
I haven't written in a while because my life has been one big clusterfuck and quite frankly, I'd rather you not take your precious time to pity, or feel sorry for me. And let's be real here; you don't care.
All that, "I'm here for you" "If you need anything let me know" and "I understand" bullshit is for the birds. If you were HERE I wouldn't be feeling like this. If you really could help me with anything, I wouldn't be in this situation. Furthermore, if you truly understood, I wouldn't be writing this blog because I could confide in you.
Do you know how it feels to be alone? To have family that only calls when they need something but are nowhere to be found when you need somewhere to live? Do you know how miserable it feels to have to fight your parents for all the right reasons? Do you know how it feels to be 17 years old and to have your parent take you to court just to prove you will never be anything? Or how about, how it feels for your grandmother to look you up and down and turn her nose up at you in disgust? All of thee above? I didn't think so.
I know life isn't supposed to be easy, and that's not what I want. I don't mind the struggle because I know it could always be worse.
I'm not sure what the point of writing this was, just had to get it off my chest.
[Living Against The River]
The last time I felt this way I woke up at 7 a.m. crying and packing, at the same damn time. The only difference between now and then, is that then I knew why I felt this way, and now, I'm just not sure. What I am sure of however, is the fact that I don't like that shit.
*sigh* okay, I lied.
I just feel stagnant. Such an icky feeling. Perhaps my body wouldn't let me sleep last night because I should've been doing something else. Like, I don't know, plotting my next move?
Anywho, I've got money to make and new goals to set.
Passive aggression has gotten me
absolutely nowhere. It is said that if you want something done properly, you must do it yourself. But let's be real here, in order to get ANYTHING done, to ANY extent, you should do it yourself -- or so it seems.
I see so many people selling themselves short of opportunities, no matter how minor they may be, simply because they were too doubtful or too weak to take the initiative & make an executive fucking decision. I mean, have people been so spoiled by always being told what to do that they don't know how to think for themselves?! Because that's what it's looking like.
Whatever though. My mother tells me not to worry about other people's demons before they become my own. *washes hands of issue*
"Life Can End In A Careless Moment"
I don't give myself the pleasure of writing as often as I should.
Why?
No friggin clue. But you'll be the first to know when I figure it out.
If you honestly wanna know, I'd say it's because of truth.
Now don't get me wrong,
On a day-to-day basis, I can handle truth in any form
But, nobody knows your truth like you do.
Feel me?
So today, and forevermore, I promise myself to write to myself everyday! Haha
Because I deserve the respect of truth from myself more than anybody.
& let's be real here, who's more important in the situation?
*points at self and winks like corny commercial guy*
When I get here, I'm never really sure how. I suppose this place is born from points in time which I think too much. "Think too much?" You say. Yes. Too much. Any human being can relate to what I'm about to say about this place and my theory of how I get here.
Everything has a trigger. Nothing happens out of pure spontaneity. I'm sitting here wondering why I get in these moods and feel the way that I do right now, and I always conclude that I had been thinking too much. Not necessarily about the wrong things, but those that are right.
Lately I've been so heavily plagued by thoughts of where I should be in life. I should be graduating college and paying my car note and insurance. Instead, I'm just working, and that scares me..I don't want to be one of those people that HAVE to work until the day that they die in order to live. Growing up, and even now, I have such great aspirations. Although, I've been never been able to pinpoint what it was I will be great at, I know I'll be great.
Some times I just feel like I'm meant for something so much more than I can currently fathom. Problem is, I haven't the slightest idea what that could be. However, quite honestly, I think it's best that I don't know. Life is no fun when you plan it. A general outline and majorly winging it feels so much better.
At the age of 23 there are a lot of things that I could be, yet am not. I could be dead, in jail, strung out, homeless or the mother of several children fathered by just as many men. I've been placed in all types of positions that you as an outsider would presume that I would have never been in, let alone made it out of. This here, is enough for me not to stress. To say life is a test would be so cliche, yet true. If I weren't fit for this world I wouldn't be here.
I'll turn the pages of the story of my life whenever I see fit. But right now, there's something I need to do.
Love me.
I need to remember that everyday of my struggle is that much more of a reason why I deserve things greater than thou. It's necessary that I remind myself that I am worthy of the Love, Honor and Respect of anyone who is willing to give it to me, and even those who refuse it.
"You is kind, You is smart, You is important."
It's like, ecstasy, when you're next to me.
& this feelin that I feel is so complex ya see.
No I, don't wanna cuff, it's just lust it seems.
I could live my whole life wit ya lovin.
Free.
Ya sex is more than a session to me.
It's like a journey to my soul and we eject at sea.
Our, climax is so surreal. Unjust and freeeeee.
I Love It.
