glue.

decorating my walls with impressions of my fists in remembrance of your face has been a recurring thought for some time now.

but i cant blame you for the impact you made on me, only the impression you left with me. i fell in love with the idea of love because at the time, it was what i thought i needed. words of my mother echo in my head, "you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. do you love yourself, ashley? or is this a facade? be happy baby. momma loves you either way."

i treated you like a replacement for her, drawn from the lust that we once shared and your impeccable timing. i fell so hard and so fast. your empty promises tasted so good with my emptiness. i was so weak that i thought your intentions were pure, when in reality they were just as selfish as my own. its been nearly a year since i aided you in the shattering of my heart, but dont feel bad. my heart was already in pieces when you found it. i was fool for thinking you were the glue. its true. you shouldve just left me where you found me.

i am my glue.

maze.

the past year has felt like a score and then some. unsettled at that. day in and day out i think. i think and think and think and yet it seems as though im not thinking at all. unable to categorize thoughts let alone decipher them. so badly i wish that i could call my mother and receive her sultry, unconventional, unconditional advice. so badly i wish that i could thank you one more time. so badly i wish that you could tell me that nothing is wrong with me.

nothing is ever what it seems, even when you dont know what it is youre looking at. the pieces of me are scattered about the universe with him, her and them, but the biggest piece is with you. wherever you are. that big chunk of love in my life is no longer. the vacancy left by you is incomparable. there is no sedative.

not knowing where to go from here, i need you now more than ever.