Perception

I've been told many a time that I look like my father, until they see my mother. Each of them soon conclude that it's in our walk. I carry myself with strength. Like a soldier. Like my father.

There are a few could deduce from this statement, but I'll start with this conclusion: perception is reality. No matter the way I may look on any particular day, I always carry myself the same way.  As a young, black, intelligent female, it is important to me that I carry myself with respect. Especially if I expect anybody else to treat me that way. With respect.

When encountering an individual you've never met, the stereotype they feel best fits you has already been enforced. I've been told that I walk in public with a mean look on my face, my rebuttal is that I simply keep myself ignorant to the irrelevant. So when walking the streets my mind is still moving a mile a minute unbothered by how you may perceive me. Why bother with the aesthetics if you're only going to judge me based off of that alone anyway? 

I enjoy breaking the stereotype. From my hair, to my tattoos, to my body piercings and even my clothing, I am received well. People enjoy my conversation. My bird's eye view of the world. I can easily articulate anything that I am knowledgeable of or passionate about. I enjoy that in other individuals, and though I can't expect the same from others, it doesn't change me, let alone the dip in my walk.

Growing Pains

It really sucks when you put so much effort towards being a good person, the bigger person - not because you have to, but because that is who you are. Because for some strange reason you give people the benefit of the doubt because you know everyone deserves it, even knowing that not everyone would do the same for you.

You know what sucks even more? When you've watched yourself grow into this person because you were once a selfish, judgmental, naive child, and you have to not only watch, but be a casualty of someone else's growth. It's painful. Draining.

Feeling like The Alabama Shakes; jus holding on.

Chivalry

Having the ability to let something you love go is quite the courageous act. It's powerful. To think that a human could love something so dearly - something that's caused so much joy, paint, sacrifice and given so many smiles, headaches and sad love poems - yet posses the selfless capacity to let them go for the better of the object of their affections as opposed to their own good.

Chivalrous Chivalry.

leeches

Like food, people are a necessity. However, not all are good for your health. There's always a reason for the season.

Some people come around strictly for your positive vibes and caring aura. While it is always gratifying to help someone, it may not always be rewarding; to the naked eye anyway. Though these people, leeches, if you will, will inhale your soul's peace, and leave you in the wind to recuperate alone, fear not, there is something to gain here.

Never blame yourself for being a good person, in a not so good setting. Hell, praise yourself, because you, my dear, are exemplary. Setting precedent for the people around you, by showing them that it's okay to be good; it won't go unrewarded.

Knowing that I have pure intentions and my heart is good, warms my soul. Grasp humility, and all the negatives are suddenly in the wind.

Remind yourself of this. Now THAT is a reward. 

glue.

decorating my walls with impressions of my fists in remembrance of your face has been a recurring thought for some time now.

but i cant blame you for the impact you made on me, only the impression you left with me. i fell in love with the idea of love because at the time, it was what i thought i needed. words of my mother echo in my head, "you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. do you love yourself, ashley? or is this a facade? be happy baby. momma loves you either way."

i treated you like a replacement for her, drawn from the lust that we once shared and your impeccable timing. i fell so hard and so fast. your empty promises tasted so good with my emptiness. i was so weak that i thought your intentions were pure, when in reality they were just as selfish as my own. its been nearly a year since i aided you in the shattering of my heart, but dont feel bad. my heart was already in pieces when you found it. i was fool for thinking you were the glue. its true. you shouldve just left me where you found me.

i am my glue.

maze.

the past year has felt like a score and then some. unsettled at that. day in and day out i think. i think and think and think and yet it seems as though im not thinking at all. unable to categorize thoughts let alone decipher them. so badly i wish that i could call my mother and receive her sultry, unconventional, unconditional advice. so badly i wish that i could thank you one more time. so badly i wish that you could tell me that nothing is wrong with me.

nothing is ever what it seems, even when you dont know what it is youre looking at. the pieces of me are scattered about the universe with him, her and them, but the biggest piece is with you. wherever you are. that big chunk of love in my life is no longer. the vacancy left by you is incomparable. there is no sedative.

not knowing where to go from here, i need you now more than ever.

I'm done. But it's not over.

It annoys me that so many people lack humility. I'm not perfect and I know I have flaws, but I can't take the blame for everything just because the next person doesn't want to. Accepting responsibility for how your actions bleed into other people's lives and beings is a form of respect. But people are so selfish. Everybody wants to take credit for helping people but never for hurting them. Do you ever notice that? Take take take; only giving when necessary to take. I've wasted so much time trying to help others when I could barely help myself. Giving so much I've started losing myself. I'll be 25 in a month and a half and something has to change. My spirit is tired.

sometimes i feel so strong that i feel weak.
something is missing.
when do you know you're whole?
i feel so empty; so unhappy.
something is missing.

Power

Dazed
Everything has the potential to aggravate my nerves; my soul.
Yet, only I have the POWER to do so.
Potential vs. Power
"... No one man should have all that power ..."

I pity the fool

the mutual feeling has lost its way
in matters of love, loyalty & respect, I feel there is confusion
these things should not be burdens nor blackmail
more natural and unconscious
if today you woke up as cynical as yesterday, I pity you
if your bad outweighs your good, I pity you
if you cannot openly love, respect and live in loyalty, I pity you
is your world so small that you can afford to be that naive and selfish?
AHA! I PITY YOU! fool ;)