nomad.

wandering.
an idea of where i belong, i have not one.
at times things get so fuzzy; surreal.
life; a mystery that i am not sure i have to desire to unlock.
with the life that i live i have no choice but to live life by the moment.
no time for petty arguments or worries. today could be my last.
family and friends; they are few and far between.
no time for other people's bullshit. today could be my last.
opportunity is before me.
no time for doubt. today could be my last.

The respect I once had for my father has graduated to fear and settled at disdain. I used to want to have everything to do with my father. Then, I just wanted to stay on his good side. Now, I can barely even stomach his presence.


"How did we get here?" I often times ask myself. Once daddy's little girl and now enemy of the state. Sometimes I wish I could blame myself just for the sake of having answer to this question I once lost sleep over, but I can no longer let this issue plague me. I know for fact I am not at fault for the dormant status of the relationship between my father and I, and he's just as confident that I am.


So what do you do when push comes to shove? Blink ... You can change your situation just that swiftly. In the blink of an eye you could lose it all, so it's best not to dwell. I dwelled for sooooo long on this situation to the point where I ran out of thoughts. So, now, I just live. Maybe one day he'll see the light, but until then I'll just have to follow my own light. It's sad to say, but I just can't be worried about that shit. I love my father with all that I have ten fold, but NO ONE will bring me down!


"You got two options; hold me down or slow me down. & if you choose the second, well then you won't be round!" - Lito

BALANCE.

I've been feeling different lately; can't really describe the feeling though. Although I can see that I feel careless, or better yet, care free.
It just seems, or feels, as though my life is headed in the right direction - and as good as it does feel, I must say it feels rather, awkward in a way. I suppose I feel this way because this feeling of satisfaction, or contentment is new to me. I've been at points in my life where I felt like I was "doing some" , so to speak, but never more than now.
To see myself sticking to my plan, and steadily checking things off of my to-do list feels stupendous. Granted, everything isn't going how I would want it tl go, it still feels good. I used to let my circumstances bring me down mentally and all slow me down in life, but now they serve as nothing more than motivation.
I can honestly say that I have been much closer to my definition of happy before, but times and circumstances are different. Who can genuinely be happy or fulfilled with simply maintaining? Now don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that for some it is a blessing to be able to; but seriously, who's satisfied by just that? We all want more out of life than what we currently possess, and it is under the control of us as individuals to obtain these things for ourselves.
We can sit back and use the excuse of another individual's faults to cover our tracks, but that's not doing anything but making us appear as lesser than the person we believe we are. I find it so very important to present ourselves as nothing short of greatness, because I know no one looking for anything less than that.
So many people sell themselves short of life as a whole. We as individuals so often let our lack of or overzealous confidence lead us in the wrong direction. I believe that we should learn to balance these two poles in order to possess, sustain and maintain life in. Whatever aspect.
It is this balance that creates modesty, keeping you levelheaded and focused,  that we need to reach our specific goals as individuals.
Don't lack confidence; it's a sign of weakness to some. Don't be cocky; it's a sign of weakness to others.
BALANCE.

"Thank God for granting me, this moment of clarity, this moment of honesty. The world gone feel my truths." - Hova

Fiending.

I can feel my blood boiling and my temperature rising. The anger is building, and I find myself fighting to keep a sound mind and control over by body. My dependency issues have me fiending for a drink, a blunt, a pill .. anything. As sick as this may sound - this is my reality.

When I was younger whenever I found myself overcome with anger, all I could do was cry. But as the years went by I thought I had grown stronger, when in all actuality I had grown weaker. After the first time my best friend in high school got me blunted, there was no turning back. It was no wonder my parents smoked, that shit felt good. It helped me free my mind and it dismissed the pain .. temporarily. As soon as I could afford it I was smoking everyday as much as I could get my hands on, and as much as my body could consume. But shit, after so long, my thoughts started screaming at me even when I was lifted. I could no longer escape reality. I'm a dependent stoner.

These days, with money spread thin and an effort to better myself, I find myself not smoking .. But drinking. My father used to bartend so he has quite the collection, and with both parents being recovering alcoholics, I'm the only drinker in the house. I used to hate drinking and the feeling it gave me, but after little time of resistance I found myself indulged in a bottle of Skyy Spiced Vodka. Liquor in one hand .. chaser in the other. After that bottle was gone a couple of days later, I came up on an unopened bottle of Absolut Vodka. Needless to say, I cracked that sucker open, sat in front of my computer at night, liquor in one hand .. chaser in the other. Chugging and Chasing. Chugging and Chasing. I'm a dependent drinker.

What's happening to me? As if I didn't already know that my dependency was heightening, I still found a way to convince myself that I was just relieving a little stress, and it would do no harm. Shit. Here I am, sitting here, pissed the fuck off, wishing I could have a drink .. or a blunt. I've considered anger management,  because in all honesty I'm just an angry soul at this point. But from my point of view, the anger is only the surface of the issue. Beneath the surface lies years of .. years of .. SHIT. I don't even know what to call it anymore.

I've convinced myself that I am just feeling sorry for myself and need not press the issue. But the truth is, I am one fucked up individual. Damaged goods. No more useful than a broken promise.

So where do I go from here? I can tell you that I won't stop smoking or drinking anytime soon, fore these are the things that keep me sane. So for now, I guess I'll just continue to eat my thoughts. They keep my plate full and my stomach that much fuller.

Hypocrites.

It seems, from my point if view, that people are so busy protecting themselves from criticism that they have forgotten the principles behind their defense. With that being said, I feel as though we create hypocrites in within ourselves. Prime example; when we find ourselves giving advice, our favorite line is, "Well if I were you ..." when truhfully none of us can honestly say what we WOULD/WOULDN'T do unless we'd been in that very same position ourselves.
It being that most times we know nothing about a particular person's position in any situation until w have been placed in it,  when we are placed in that particular position we do nothing close to what we had previously advised. Nine out of ten times I can guarantee you are then a hypocrite. I mean, really, think about it. For you to give someone advice that you yourself can't even confidently assure that you would use makes you a hypocrite.
Furthermore, those of us who claim not to take advice because of this exact reason, yet still not only take advice and act on it, but also have the nerve to give advice when they aren't even confident in thr advice given, to use it themselves.
I, however, do personally do as though no one can give you advice better advice than YOU. As capable human beings we all come equipped with a conscience, that will undoubtedly lead you in the right direction, it's just that some of, later rather than sooner, learn to tune into our conscience and trust ourselves. I've found that when this point in time occurs, no matter how much the ultimately meaningless words of "advice" sound appealing, we go with our gut. Though sometimes we may be filled with thoughts of regret due to the not so fulfilling outcome of our decisions based off of our own conscience, we sooner or later appreciate the experience. The feeling that is felt when making your own decision is quite... refreshing I would say. As for those of us who think that we are capable of giving advice, lord help you. Not even Doctor Phil is worthy of giving the advice he gives. So please take your heads out of your asses and take a look in the mirror.
I don't say these things to appear "Holier Than Thou", so to speak, it is simply an expression of my personal thoughts. Doesn't matter whether or not you like or not; but you will respect it.

A.M. Thoughts

Man, why is it that for some, an admittance of guilty or fault just isn't enough? If it's not enough to have to swallow your pride and admit such things, there is always that one individual in your life that just has to put their two cents in, and it's always negative.
Prime example, I worked a double shift yesterday and got into some shit afterwards, which brought me home around 2 A.M. I fucked around and overslept, had to swallow my pride and ask my father for a ride to work. Now, alongside his reply of "yes" he bad to throw in the fact that my decision to stay out late was irresponsible. I'm just thinking dude, "WTF ever happened to if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all"? I mean fuck dude, I can't remember the last time this man said ANYTHING positive to me. Is a little positive reinforcement too much to ask for? I realize that I'm almost 23 years old and such things may seem immature, but for a hard working person such as myself, I would appreciate the slightest bit of positive commentary from my own fucking father. But nahh, that's too much to ask for.
Then to top it all off, the man has the nerve to press the issue of me not rushing to move out. Are you fucking kidding me? I deal with enough negativity and what not from outside sources, and the thought of living here longer than necessary & subjecting myself to that shit .. unbearable.
I love my family, but I just don't fit in with them at all. They're ao closed minded it annoys the fuck outta me. Right now I'm doing everything in my power to refrain from speaking out because in this house it causes nothing but problems. This shit is just not good for me. The memories that this beautiful house have left me with and continue to produce are simply too much for me.
Not only do I work my ass off, I have to tip toe around this house to protect my blessing of having this opportunity & my sanity. The shit is ridiculous.

"& I remain calm reading the 73rd Pslam, because with all that's goin on I get the world in my arms" - Lauryn Hill

Truths

What is your truth? Furthermore, whag lengths do you do to protect it? Hide it.
My truth? That's not whag we're here for.
So often, even daily we running from our truths. Releasing them into ou vices for the sake of having some place to blame. Blame? How dare you push such a thing as truth onto blame.
Most of us hide from the truth. Why? Oh don't ask me stupid questions and attempt to play me as a fool .. you know why.
It is said that "Truth shall set on free" .. and I feel this is true. However, if you are not yet ready to face the truth, in what way shall it aide you?
Indeed the truth is what we all seek and request from the next individual, but what does that mean when one can't come clean with self? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Until you decide you are ready to admit to self, the truth will do nothing but hurt you.
I, myself, have been battling ASHLEY and what my own truth may bring me. & in my personal opinion it is one of th hardest battles I havr ever endured.
To live life to the fullest seemingly impossible until you have come to grips what is .. and what simply is not.
At the end of my writing this I won't go back and proofread what I wrote, for these are simply my trutths.
All I ask of you, is to see see yourself fot who you are; be it good or bad, because at the end of the day, YOU have no choic but yo live with it .. while everyone else has the choice to pick you up and drop you .. just as you are
"FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES AS WE FORGIVE THOS WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US; ALTHOUGH THEM AGAIN WE WILL NEVA EVA TRUST" - Lauryn Hill

& this is where i'm at.

I feel fucking phenomenal. Just lying here in bed, smoking .. hiiiigh. It's kind of magical. Corny I know ,but I've come a long way in life and in Florida. I actually have the pleasure of waking up, rolling over and rolling up. Some people think I'm crazy for doing what I did - moving to a brand new state with a "friend" on a whim - and even crazier for staying when the proverbial shit hit fan. But I mean, what the fuck? I'm from a place that lacks opportunity and that just ain't for me. If you think you're doing something in my hometown move to New York, Florida or Cali or some shit and think again.
The world has so much to offer and I have every intention of taking advantage that FACT. I'm too ambitious to sit and wait for opportunity to make it's stop around my neck of the woods. Everything I've gone through has equipped me to go after what I want and lick my wounds quickly for there is no better time like the present.
Carpe diem, quam munimum credula postero
Seize the day with little faith in tomorrow.

Precipitation. Florida. Summer 2011.

As of late they come from nowhere. No evidence to support their presence. They just come and go. Flowing so freely, as if they belonged.. I wish I could feel this way. Tears are so lucky.

It is what it is G. Florida. Summer 2011.

Have you ever made a choice, thinking it was the right choice, but in the end it seems as though you had chosen wrong? Not to say that your faulty pick be a regret, instead a step back to make two steps forward. It is important to know how to make the right decision as opposed to an impulsive one. Sometimes we make decisions based off of what we FEEL as opposed to what we KNOW.