Ambiguous

At what point do we transcend the grey area between selfishness, and selflessness? Is it not righteously essential to success to do so? Is it possible, for both you and your peers to rest assured your best interests are served?
In separate stages of my life I have found it necessary to be either or; selfish or selfless. At either end of the playing field you'll find yourself on the offense, struggling for confidence in your defense, often times praying for the sack from a higher power in the form of answers.
Is there success in the ambiguity of this purgatory?

By definition.

At seventeen I was sure that I knew what love was.
I thought it was irreplaceable
Incomparable even.
However, right now, at 130 am on January 8 of this new year, I can no longer say that that is so.
Why?
Because for this new love, for our love, I'd take back every milligram of love I've ever given and set flame to it all, as I watch the smoke that was my past disappear into the nights sky.
No survivors.
That, is incomparable.

Euphoria.

If I could stop the world and bask in your aura, it would be everything to me. All that is you, beyond my view ...

In thee exact moment in which the world would stop, we would run ... As fast as we could until we reached OUR Nirvana .

Yet truthfully, you're my Paradise, my escape, my wonder wall, myyyyyy Nirvana.

- and

This morning my mind seems to be anywhere but here, while my body is wishing it was anywhere but here all at the same time. I don't know if it's because I didn't have my coffee at my regulated time or the lack of time taken in getting ready for work this morning - I just kinda rolled out of bed.
I'm never really sure why I feel this particular way when I do. Which is often. Though, more often than not I conclude these reasons after the mood is gone, it always seems to be something different, yet similar to past experiences.
Ehhhh.

Merrrp

In retrospect I can say that I cared too much, tried too hard and possibly pushed too soon. But what do you do when infatuated? I can't just sit back and watch such a treasure slip through my fingers as sand would an hourglass. But, yet again, in retrospect I can say that I was blind. What you want isn't for everybody, and what may work for the next person is more than likely not the best thing for you. But, how does one differentiate the two? It's hard enough comparing your wants and needs as is.
I wish everything could be like weed: DEFINITELY good for your mind, body and soul.

Coincidence? I think not.

Everything happens for a reason.
Today I decided to leave for work a little earlier than usual to grab some cigarettes. In doing so, I found myself in the presence of a woman who had fallen on hard times. I gave her a few ciggs for the day and we proceeded to converse, and our conversation was rather interesting. Here's what I gathered.
People are who they are. It is not in our power to change these people. It is, however in our power to either allow them into our lives, or let them go on their separate paths.
Look at the people around you and ask yourself, "Do you deserve to be a part of my life?" Assess and adapt.

Restless.
Tension amidst my shoulder blades has reached an insurmountable peak.
Thoughts ricochet off the walls of my mind, creating an echo in silence.
Emotions scramble. Scurrying from the shadows of my mind as they attempt to phase them out.
Ignorant, is the heartless man.
Blind, is the heart with no mind.

Days like this intoxicate me with your memory.
Our conversation dissipates as you dip in and out of sleep. It seems as though the doctor's prescription of two a day didn't suffice for your addictive personality. But still, I sit. Recognizing that your spirit coupled with your physical beauty was a blessing for my family and I. I used to wonder what I'd do if ever I were without you, and the answer still isn't clear.

For her.

Echoes of our last conversation bounce around in my head relentlessly. Unable to translate this black hole of emotions I've become, I catch a glimpse of the proverbial silver lining and bask in it. More often than not, I find myself at a loss for words when you come to mind. My mother, my mentor, my best friend. Days seem longer now that you're gone. Life a little bit harder. Yet as I sit here crying tears of pain, anger, love and longing in your memory, I can't help but smile. Now all we'll ever have is good times.

Ehhh.

Stop.
You couldn't fathom the life that I live.
Oh. You saw this smile and thought that everything was everything didn't you. Lmfao. Don't be so naïve.
I haven't written in a while because my life has been one big clusterfuck and quite frankly, I'd rather you not take your precious time to pity, or feel sorry for me. And let's be real here; you don't care.
All that, "I'm here for you" "If you need anything let me know" and "I understand" bullshit is for the birds. If you were HERE I wouldn't be feeling like this. If you really could help me with anything, I wouldn't be in this situation.  Furthermore, if you truly understood, I wouldn't be writing this blog because I could confide in you.
Do you know how it feels to be alone? To have family that only calls when they need something but are nowhere to be found when you need somewhere to live? Do you know how miserable it feels to have to fight your parents for all the right reasons? Do you know how it feels to be 17 years old and to have your parent take you to court just to prove you will never be anything? Or how about, how it feels for your grandmother to look you up and down and turn her nose up at you in disgust? All of thee above? I didn't think so.
I know life isn't supposed to be easy, and that's not what I want. I don't mind the struggle because I know it could always be worse.
I'm not sure what the point of writing this was, just had to get it off my chest.
[Living Against The River]