Gots ta be mo careful .

I don't give myself the pleasure of writing as often as I should.
Why?
No friggin clue. But you'll be the first to know when I figure it out.
If you honestly wanna know, I'd say it's because of truth.
Now don't get me wrong,
On a day-to-day basis, I can handle truth in any form
But, nobody knows your truth like you do.
Feel me?
So today, and forevermore, I promise myself to write to myself everyday! Haha
Because I deserve the respect of truth from myself more than anybody.
& let's be real here, who's more important in the situation?
*points at self and winks like corny commercial guy*

If you ask me ...

When I get here, I'm never really sure how. I suppose this place is born from points in time which I think too much. "Think too much?" You say. Yes. Too much. Any human being can relate to what I'm about to say about this place and my theory of how I get here.
Everything has a trigger. Nothing happens out of pure spontaneity. I'm sitting here wondering why I get in these moods and feel the way that I do right now, and I always conclude that I had been thinking too much. Not necessarily about the wrong things, but those that are right.
Lately I've been so heavily plagued by thoughts of where I should be in life. I should be graduating college and paying my car note and insurance. Instead, I'm just working, and that scares me..I don't want to be one of those people that HAVE to work until the day that they die in order to live. Growing up, and even now, I have such great aspirations. Although, I've been never been able to pinpoint what it was I will be great at, I know I'll be great.
Some times I just feel like I'm meant for something so much more than I can currently fathom. Problem is, I haven't the slightest idea what that could be. However, quite honestly, I think it's best that I don't know. Life is no fun when you plan it. A general outline and majorly winging it feels so much better.
At the age of 23 there are a lot of things that I could be, yet am not. I could be dead, in jail, strung out, homeless or the mother of several children fathered by just as many men. I've been placed in all types of positions that you as an outsider would presume that I would have never been in, let alone made it out of. This here, is enough for me not to stress. To say life is a test would be so cliche, yet true. If I weren't fit for this world I wouldn't be here.
I'll turn the pages of the story of my life whenever I see fit. But right now, there's something I need to do.
Love me.
I need to remember that everyday of my struggle is that much more of a reason why I deserve things greater than thou. It's necessary that I remind myself that I am worthy of the Love, Honor and Respect of anyone who is willing to give it to me, and even those who refuse it.
"You is kind, You is smart, You is important."

Ecstasy

It's like, ecstasy, when you're next to me.
& this feelin that I feel is so complex ya see.
No I, don't wanna cuff, it's just lust it seems.
I could live my whole life wit ya lovin.
Free.
Ya sex is more than a session to me.
It's like a journey to my soul and we eject at sea.
Our, climax is so surreal. Unjust and freeeeee.
I Love It.

Pieces.

Have you ever started to cry, and didn't really know why?
Feeling like, your heart was moving faster than your mind?
Like, what you feel is so surreal .. & your thoughts just can't deal?
I can't tell if I'm sad or if it's something more.
When confusion gets the best of me, I can't seem to find the rest of me.
There are pieces of me that I am not sure whether or not need to rediscovered or uncovered.
Who am I?

Realism

For a long time I felt as though I was doing something wrong by being myself. I mean, all I ever do is be me, that is what we are supposed to be. However, not until recently did I come to terms with the understanding that not everyone will appreciate you for who you are. I had no idea such a thing was possible.
It never occurred to me that speaking my mind would be such a big deal. Although, in fact, it is true that humans are not built to endure the truth. I have seen and heard in many a time and many a place, that "the truth can cause pain, but a lie can heal all." Though this seem to stand as a plausible reason to tell a lie, I for one see it as an excuse. How many times have you personally heard the, "I just want somebody to keep it real with me at all times" spiel? Enough times to repeat verbatim to your grandchildren's grandchildren, no? I thought so. The problem with that is, people just CANNOT handle the truth.
Throughout my life I have been judged, ridiculed, and set aside because of this and or that reason, so, I make it a point to never judge a person, and see things from every which angle possible. This allows me to keep it real. Need further explanation? I got ya.
Keeping it real goes far beyond a saying. Keeping it real is when you have the ability to step outside a situation, even one that you are in, to see things from both sides of the game and give thee most logical and realistic answer possible. Whether that be from experience, or simply being hip to the game. Keeping it real is speaking your mind without worry of how it may be taken, because your every word expresses how you truly feel; nothing more, nothing less. Keeping it real, is just keeping it fucking real yo. Telling the truth without giving a shit how it make somebody feel, because after all, they asked for it. Right? Keeping it real is a way of life. However, keeping it real can, and will go wrong, on many occasions. Why, you ask? Because, once again, people can't handle the truth.
Reflect for a moment, if you will. Have you ever been asked a question to be answered honestly, but been afraid, or worried, if you will, to give your honest opinion in answer so as not to hurt a persons feelings? Sucks doesn't it? THIS is the problem. When someone asks you for your honest opinion, it is not YOUR problem if they are offended by your answer, that is there problem. More than likely, this person is bothered by your response because they themselves recognize it as the truth they have been running and or hiding from. Now, should you feel bad for hurting or offending someone you love or care for? I would not blame you. However, think about this for a second. If these are people that you love and or care for, you would figure that they know you well enough to recognize that your words were not meant to be taken as anything short of what they asked for. Truth. Honesty. Unfortunately, you will not be able to appease or soothe everyone into your understanding, which is why being a realist is important when it comes to keeping it real.
Realism is often overlooked as  factor in everyday life. But, how can you be worldly if you are not? To me it seems to have been made clear that people will never be happy until they can grasp this concept. If we took the time to really look at things from every angle possible, we would be able to think, and politic over what seem to controversial or touchy subjects. We would ALL have the capacity to respect one another's opinions to the point of curiosity. Don't you see? Curiosity is why we are all here as Americans today. We are able capable of thought, but few of us exercise it.
Think my good people. We are all greater than the  negativity we think we each intend for one another.

nomad.

wandering.
an idea of where i belong, i have not one.
at times things get so fuzzy; surreal.
life; a mystery that i am not sure i have to desire to unlock.
with the life that i live i have no choice but to live life by the moment.
no time for petty arguments or worries. today could be my last.
family and friends; they are few and far between.
no time for other people's bullshit. today could be my last.
opportunity is before me.
no time for doubt. today could be my last.

The respect I once had for my father has graduated to fear and settled at disdain. I used to want to have everything to do with my father. Then, I just wanted to stay on his good side. Now, I can barely even stomach his presence.


"How did we get here?" I often times ask myself. Once daddy's little girl and now enemy of the state. Sometimes I wish I could blame myself just for the sake of having answer to this question I once lost sleep over, but I can no longer let this issue plague me. I know for fact I am not at fault for the dormant status of the relationship between my father and I, and he's just as confident that I am.


So what do you do when push comes to shove? Blink ... You can change your situation just that swiftly. In the blink of an eye you could lose it all, so it's best not to dwell. I dwelled for sooooo long on this situation to the point where I ran out of thoughts. So, now, I just live. Maybe one day he'll see the light, but until then I'll just have to follow my own light. It's sad to say, but I just can't be worried about that shit. I love my father with all that I have ten fold, but NO ONE will bring me down!


"You got two options; hold me down or slow me down. & if you choose the second, well then you won't be round!" - Lito

BALANCE.

I've been feeling different lately; can't really describe the feeling though. Although I can see that I feel careless, or better yet, care free.
It just seems, or feels, as though my life is headed in the right direction - and as good as it does feel, I must say it feels rather, awkward in a way. I suppose I feel this way because this feeling of satisfaction, or contentment is new to me. I've been at points in my life where I felt like I was "doing some" , so to speak, but never more than now.
To see myself sticking to my plan, and steadily checking things off of my to-do list feels stupendous. Granted, everything isn't going how I would want it tl go, it still feels good. I used to let my circumstances bring me down mentally and all slow me down in life, but now they serve as nothing more than motivation.
I can honestly say that I have been much closer to my definition of happy before, but times and circumstances are different. Who can genuinely be happy or fulfilled with simply maintaining? Now don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that for some it is a blessing to be able to; but seriously, who's satisfied by just that? We all want more out of life than what we currently possess, and it is under the control of us as individuals to obtain these things for ourselves.
We can sit back and use the excuse of another individual's faults to cover our tracks, but that's not doing anything but making us appear as lesser than the person we believe we are. I find it so very important to present ourselves as nothing short of greatness, because I know no one looking for anything less than that.
So many people sell themselves short of life as a whole. We as individuals so often let our lack of or overzealous confidence lead us in the wrong direction. I believe that we should learn to balance these two poles in order to possess, sustain and maintain life in. Whatever aspect.
It is this balance that creates modesty, keeping you levelheaded and focused,  that we need to reach our specific goals as individuals.
Don't lack confidence; it's a sign of weakness to some. Don't be cocky; it's a sign of weakness to others.
BALANCE.

"Thank God for granting me, this moment of clarity, this moment of honesty. The world gone feel my truths." - Hova

Fiending.

I can feel my blood boiling and my temperature rising. The anger is building, and I find myself fighting to keep a sound mind and control over by body. My dependency issues have me fiending for a drink, a blunt, a pill .. anything. As sick as this may sound - this is my reality.

When I was younger whenever I found myself overcome with anger, all I could do was cry. But as the years went by I thought I had grown stronger, when in all actuality I had grown weaker. After the first time my best friend in high school got me blunted, there was no turning back. It was no wonder my parents smoked, that shit felt good. It helped me free my mind and it dismissed the pain .. temporarily. As soon as I could afford it I was smoking everyday as much as I could get my hands on, and as much as my body could consume. But shit, after so long, my thoughts started screaming at me even when I was lifted. I could no longer escape reality. I'm a dependent stoner.

These days, with money spread thin and an effort to better myself, I find myself not smoking .. But drinking. My father used to bartend so he has quite the collection, and with both parents being recovering alcoholics, I'm the only drinker in the house. I used to hate drinking and the feeling it gave me, but after little time of resistance I found myself indulged in a bottle of Skyy Spiced Vodka. Liquor in one hand .. chaser in the other. After that bottle was gone a couple of days later, I came up on an unopened bottle of Absolut Vodka. Needless to say, I cracked that sucker open, sat in front of my computer at night, liquor in one hand .. chaser in the other. Chugging and Chasing. Chugging and Chasing. I'm a dependent drinker.

What's happening to me? As if I didn't already know that my dependency was heightening, I still found a way to convince myself that I was just relieving a little stress, and it would do no harm. Shit. Here I am, sitting here, pissed the fuck off, wishing I could have a drink .. or a blunt. I've considered anger management,  because in all honesty I'm just an angry soul at this point. But from my point of view, the anger is only the surface of the issue. Beneath the surface lies years of .. years of .. SHIT. I don't even know what to call it anymore.

I've convinced myself that I am just feeling sorry for myself and need not press the issue. But the truth is, I am one fucked up individual. Damaged goods. No more useful than a broken promise.

So where do I go from here? I can tell you that I won't stop smoking or drinking anytime soon, fore these are the things that keep me sane. So for now, I guess I'll just continue to eat my thoughts. They keep my plate full and my stomach that much fuller.

Hypocrites.

It seems, from my point if view, that people are so busy protecting themselves from criticism that they have forgotten the principles behind their defense. With that being said, I feel as though we create hypocrites in within ourselves. Prime example; when we find ourselves giving advice, our favorite line is, "Well if I were you ..." when truhfully none of us can honestly say what we WOULD/WOULDN'T do unless we'd been in that very same position ourselves.
It being that most times we know nothing about a particular person's position in any situation until w have been placed in it,  when we are placed in that particular position we do nothing close to what we had previously advised. Nine out of ten times I can guarantee you are then a hypocrite. I mean, really, think about it. For you to give someone advice that you yourself can't even confidently assure that you would use makes you a hypocrite.
Furthermore, those of us who claim not to take advice because of this exact reason, yet still not only take advice and act on it, but also have the nerve to give advice when they aren't even confident in thr advice given, to use it themselves.
I, however, do personally do as though no one can give you advice better advice than YOU. As capable human beings we all come equipped with a conscience, that will undoubtedly lead you in the right direction, it's just that some of, later rather than sooner, learn to tune into our conscience and trust ourselves. I've found that when this point in time occurs, no matter how much the ultimately meaningless words of "advice" sound appealing, we go with our gut. Though sometimes we may be filled with thoughts of regret due to the not so fulfilling outcome of our decisions based off of our own conscience, we sooner or later appreciate the experience. The feeling that is felt when making your own decision is quite... refreshing I would say. As for those of us who think that we are capable of giving advice, lord help you. Not even Doctor Phil is worthy of giving the advice he gives. So please take your heads out of your asses and take a look in the mirror.
I don't say these things to appear "Holier Than Thou", so to speak, it is simply an expression of my personal thoughts. Doesn't matter whether or not you like or not; but you will respect it.