It's always easier so much easier to give sensible, applicable advice to anyone other than yourself. Some of said advice may be residual of experience, or may even be easily accessible via common sense.
Being told on more than one occasion that I take such good care of people, everyone, other than myself, I've come to realize I do so subconsciously. However, being the person that I am, the person that I want to be, I thrive off of being able to help someone, because more often than not, I feel as though I can't help myself. Not only that, but it makes me feel worth something. Going through so many hard times myself, I know how important it is to feel and recognize that someone cares; especially when you just don't have it in you to do so for yourself.
I've always felt like I don't need or want anyone to take care of me the way that I take care of others. Truth is, I do. I need someone to go out of their way to not let me push them away. To fight this battle with me. Truth is, I don't want my wreck to be theirs. I'd rather combine their struggles with mine and free them from it. In a way I've programmed myself to hurt and stress, as if to intentionally create normality of these emotions. However, I am nowhere near numb. I feel everything. Every little thought that bogs my mind. Every ounce of stress that weighs. Every bit of rejection and defeat that sends me leaping ten steps back into self pity. I feel so much that more often than not, I'm not sure what i truly feel. It's almost like I feel so much that I'm constantly feeling everything at once. Yet, my feelings have nothing on my thoughts.
My thoughts are what feed my sleepless nights. Nights that i shadowbox with sleep as a miserable attempt to avoid yet another day of thoughts and feelings. But, tomorrow always comes, my thoughts never leave and my feelings only grow stronger and more present. Never able to escape myself; and I never will be. I'm not sure why every bit strength and advice I so easily and freely give out, seems applicable to all recipients aside from myself. How can you possess the humility to care for others and not yourself? I could say it's because I have daddy issues, because my biological mother abandoned us, or even because the woman who raised me, as loving as she was and is currently dearly missed, was an addict to the dysfunction of addiction. But for how long can I lean on these facts/plausible excuses before I can find it in myself to change? I've grown plenty, but I don't seem to have changed much. My comfort in my constant lack of stability continues to grow while I become more and more complacent each day.
I'm soul searching. Peace of mind is what I desire.
"Like a moth to a flame, burned by the fire. My love is blind can't you see my desire?"
No comments:
Post a Comment