3.02.2014

50 Shades of Fake

Why exactly do people say, "I'm sorry" when you tell them about a tragedy? Because all I think in those freeze frames of conversation, is, "What exactly are you sorry for?" Are you sorry for me? Please don't be. Is it because you weren't there? Ain't no skin off my back.
Tragedies can, and will, teach you a lot of things. Like acceptance, grieving, compassion, and love. Always gratifying, though exhausting. Always.
Why is it that we're groomed to be empathetic? It's like that movie The Invention Of Lying. Who made this shit up, because it's clear that lying has become a game of role play. I mean, I'd like to imagine that at some point in history everybody was so truthful and chill, and some random dunce fucked it up. Asshole.
If I'm like, "Yeah my mom passed away a couple summers ago," I'd rather you say, "That's shitty. How are you handlin that?"
Why exactly do people say, "I'm sorry" when you tell them about a tragedy? Because all I think in those freeze frames of conversation, is, "What exactly are you sorry for?" Are you sorry for me? Please don't be. Is it because you weren't there? Ain't no skin off my back.
Tragedies can, and will, teach you a lot of things. Like acceptance, grieving, compassion, and love. Always gratifying, though exhausting. Always.
Why is it that we're groomed to be empathetic? It's like that movie The Invention Of Lying. Who made this shit up, because it's clear that lying has become a game of role play. I mean, I'd like to imagine that at some point in history everybody was so truthful and chill, and some random dunce fucked it up. Asshole.
If I'm like, "Yeah my mom passed away a couple summers ago," I'd rather you say, "That's shitty. How are you handlin that?"

2.28.2014

Empathetic

As time slips through the hour glass I lay in bed, eyes wide shut. Not so gracefully attempting to escape tomorrow and what it will bring. Avoiding sleep like responsibility. Thinking a little about a lot.
I don't know why I do this. Manifesting self as my own worst enemy. How long have I been here? How do I free myself of the animosity I've felt for the things I could have, and maybe should have done differently, irregardless of the implied lesson learned? Am I a self loathing?
If I could map out each point in life at which I lost a little of my being I'd probably go insane. Looking at he evidence of my issue. The evidence that is me. I think I've denied myself the privilege of empathy and supplemented with self apathy when it was most applicable. I've never wanted pity, but I overlooked the healing powers of the comfort you get from someone giving a fck about something that isn't them. I grew up quick. This big girl still cries.
I read a post on Tumblr once that gave a totally different take on the glass half empty/full thing that's had me thinking for some weeks now. It said something alone the lines of, 'Hold the glass out in front of you at arms length. Wether the glass is half empty or full, it only gets heavier the longer you hold it there in place.' I'm the water in the glass. I was lite and hopeful at once.
I should probably put the glass down and switch arms.
Goodnight.

2.20.2014

"They" got me fckd up.

Who is they?
For as long as I can remember, I've heard people say, "You know what they say".
Well who the fuck is "they"?!
Whoever the fuck "they" is got me fucked up! 
"They" don't fuckin know me. My convictions. My passion. My vices. My LIFE.
A gentleman said to me today, "I know a rich woman when I see one!" I replied, "Oh I'm not rich with money love, just confidence." He then replied, "See I knew you were rich with something."
I haven't made all of the right decisions in my short 25 years of life, but it one way or another, sooner or later, I've learned from every last one of them, whether it be deciding to go to one restaurant or the other. I made the most mistakes when I listened to "them". Thinking that these prehistoric, politically correct concepts were actually legitimate. Pshht.
These people don't know me. 99.9% of the people in my state, let alone this country or on this planet, have not even an inkling of my existence. 
All I'm sayin is, my parents always taught me to be an individual. Independent. Strong in your convictions. "Speak now or forever hold your peace" my father would always say. He never told me I should only do that in moderation. 
I don't believe that all humans were meant to be friendly with one another, it's never been that way. I don't know why there's this cushy pillow of fantasy chillin under this issue, but whatever. I shouldn't have to be like you for to like me. That is a total crock of shit.
We won't always be able to appease the people that we come into contact with. I had to learn that it is far more expensive to be delusional than to be yourself in this world.
So, I just wanna say, what you eat don't make me shit. I don't fit a mold. Don't try and convince me I'm doing something wrong while I still have breath in my body and a place in this world. Apparently I'm doing something right.

2.06.2014

I Shit You Not

I love my father so much. Recognizing his voice on voicemail is so comfortable! 
With that subtitle bass and professionalism that resonates through vocal cords to strike my soul and recall not the bad times but the good that I've accepted as truth to water my growth  like the lotus that grows in the mud; the thicker the mud more beautiful the flower ��
I love my father like Hov loved the summer - "Dear Daddy, I know you gon miss me. Fore we been togetha like Nike Airs and crisp tees" - fore I hope you never leave me. I pray to my God.

Dysfunctional

Not to come off as that cliché, stereotypical, woman in love, who can't let it go, you wouldn't understand, type, but she was my fresh squeezed lemonade on a hot summer day when that's all you needed to relieve your parched state and cool your being's temperature.
As a friend once said, "Am I crazy" for wanting someone that's done me no good aside from allowing my heart to bun-jee into loves inescapable grasps - but only for that moment in time, that seems so brief in retrospect.
For the first time in my life I'd been backhand pimp smacked by love after I thought I'd learned my lesson.
"Foolish" I thought to begin, but soon I gained consciousness and humility, and I didn't feel bad.
I felt human.

2.03.2014

Perception

I've been told many a time that I look like my father, until they see my mother. Each of them soon conclude that it's in our walk. I carry myself with strength. Like a soldier. Like my father.
There are a few could deduce from this statement, but I'll start with this conclusion: perception is reality. No matter the way I may look on any particular day, I always carry myself the same way.  As a young, black, intelligent female, it is important to me that I carry myself with respect. Especially if I expect anybody else to treat me that way. With respect.
When encountering an individual you've never met, the stereotype they feel best fits you has already been enforced. I've been told that I walk in public with a mean look on my face, my rebuttal is that I simply keep myself ignorant to the irrelevant. So when walking the streets my mind is still moving a mile a minute unbothered by how you may perceive me. Why bother with the aesthetics if you're only going to judge me based off of that alone anyway? 
I enjoy breaking the stereotype. From my hair, to my tattoos, to my body piercings and even my clothing, I am received well. People enjoy my conversation. My bird's eye view of the world. I can easily articulate anything that I am knowledgeable of or passionate about. I enjoy that in other individuals, and though I can't expect the same from others, it doesn't change me, let alone the dip in my walk.

2.01.2014

Growing Pains

It really sucks when you put so much effort towards being a good person, the bigger person - not because you have to, but because that is who you are. Because for some strange reason you give people the benefit of the doubt because you know everyone deserves it, even knowing that not everyone would do the same for you.
You know what sucks even more? When you've watched yourself grow into this person because you were once a selfish, judgmental, naive child, and you have to not only watch, but be a casualty of someone else's growth. It's painful. Draining.
Feeling like The Alabama Shakes; jus holding on.

1.29.2014

Chivalry

Having the ability to let something you love go is quite the courageous act. It's powerful. To think that a human could love something so dearly - something that's caused so much joy, paint, sacrifice and given so many smiles, headaches and sad love poems - yet posses the selfless capacity to let them go for the better of the object of their affections as opposed to their own good.
Chivalrous Chivalry.

1.10.2014

leeches

Like food, people are a necessity. However, not all are good for your health. There's always a reason for the season.

Some people come around strictly for your positive vibes and caring aura. While it is always gratifying to help someone, it may not always be rewarding; to the naked eye anyway. Though these people, leeches, if you will, will inhale your soul's peace, and leave you in the wind to recuperate alone, fear not, there is something to gain here.

Never blame yourself for being a good person, in a not so good setting. Hell, praise yourself, because you, my dear, are exemplary. Setting precedent for the people around you, by showing them that it's okay to be good; it won't go unrewarded.

Knowing that I have pure intentions and my heart is good, warms my soul. Grasp humility, and all the negatives are suddenly in the wind.

Remind yourself of this. Now THAT is a reward.