3.31.2011

well then now ...

it is becoming increasingly apparent and ever more irritating that people are just going to be people . no matter how inconsiderate , selfish , or flat out fucktard-ish they are , they will remain that way b/c they've gone so long doing so and have no desire to change . but hey , what can you do ? im sure i posses a few qualities that people would like to see modified , buuuuuut i think im fine .. and im sure the people i detest feel the same way about themselves . i guess this was a pointless point .. well not really - i really needed to get this off my chest .

*PEACE*

3.21.2011

EVOLVE



They who play it safe are quick to assasinate what they do not understand
They move in pacts , ingesting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another
They feel most comfortable in groups - less guilt to swallow
They are us
This us what we have become - afraid to respect an individual
A single person within a circumstance can move one to change
To love herself - To evolve .

" Love's Deceit "




Pleasure turns to the pain of lessons learned from the strain of the questions burned in my brain about whether love is humane in its touch
These thoughts are like salmon swimming upstream in the tears of your deceit
Fighting a current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos of our intertwined emotions
Chaotic because the anchor of Eros’ arrow has been plucked from the vessel of my undying infatuation
Separation not as simple as the distance between us
My mind no longer possessed by the demons that had been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies
The seeds of these lies rooted so deeply they’ve cracked the foundation of what we once shared
Allowing the faith in us I had sealed inside to gush out like a river
Ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts as violently and as brutally as if it were a child being taken from its mothers arms
I’m left surrounded in darkness but I refuse to be swallowed by it
My loneliness like night air; invisible to the eye obvious to the touch, in its cold uncomfortable ness
Yet If I could do all over again I’d do it in the same skin I’m in
To lay down and let love die, just stay down and let love lie
No, no, no, no, not I
I’ll stay around and let love fly
Even though I’ve seen its darkest form; deceit
Nothing else could tastes this warm or feel this sweet

by Big Rube

self explanatory .

ive said all that just ta say this :
your greatest idea aint better than the ones i forget
the shit that i throw away to put on mixtapes , jam harder than your greatest hits
see when niggas say bullshit about me , i see it as an act of desperation , i dont see it as a diss
i keep the bullshit to a minimum - i no longer take chances , only calculated risks
see me , i get paid - all you broke niggas can only get pissed
cause im feastin on lobster and fillets and you burpin up sardenes and tuna fish
so best of luck to you suckas who kickin , screamin throwin fits
i guess its nothin left ta say ta you mothafuckas - except : ITS THE KIIING BITCH !
 - t.i.

3.20.2011

the plot thickens .

Lately my mind has been focused on what could be , and how I plan to obtain the possibilities .
Being in the situation that I'm in I've been smacked in the face with the reality that I'd taken what I had back home for advantage . I never thought I'd miss my parents so much .. Or even the blessing of being able to make a 15 minute car ride to their home and see them when I miss them , or when I need to get away .
I'm surrounded by unfamiliarity and b/c of this I've found that I've adapted a dispostion that is not my own . I've always been somewhat anti-social and somewhat of a loaner , but under these circumstances I've been forced to be alone . Which is such bullshit b/c this isn't how I was lead to believe shit would happen .. But then again nothing ever happens the way it's supposed to .
I just can't believe this is happening to me . I've moved away from everything I know and made to believe things would be one way when come to find out it's the same exact things I thought I'd left behind . Once again I am stuck in a rut that I am incapable of getting out of .. Okay I take that back . A few days ago I'd say that I was incapable , but today I can say that I AM capable .
I'm fucking 22 years old dude . I can't live in my friends parents house forever . Granted I've only been living here for two months , but after living in your own space for the 12 months prior to that this shit is unbearable . Bottom line is , the plan that was once OURS has now been altered to be MINE . People won't understand where you're coming from unless they've been there , and it is safe to say nobody understands . I have no car , no family , no friends .. But I do have something . I have two jobs , school in the fall , and the determination to get out of this situation into my own .
I'm very aware that life won't be perfect still after that , but at least at that point anu foul play will solely that of my own . I'm not worried about how hard this is going to be b/c with the way I'm feeling now and what I've already been through in my life in general , the bad outcomes are the least of my worries .
So here is the future , and the struggle it may well bring . With God on one side , and a myriad of reasons to succeed on the other - LETS DO THIS .
* PEACE *

3.10.2011

-_________-

When are people ever gonna fucking learn that I need my fuggin space when I'm upset ? Try to be comical to early and you'll only make it worse . Can I just get some fckn space ?! Goooota DAMN ! Don't fucking hover over me , don't even look in my direction when I'm pissed . Just lemme be pissed and I'll damn sure come to you when I'm ready to be fucked with . At this very moment in time Lotto is hovering over my shoulder reading what I'm writing -____- not cute with his cute ass anyway doe . Tonight I plan to get hella tore and be laughing about this in about an hour or so .. If we fucking make it there . The driver is not a very good driver sober .. Not sure I wanna see what he's like intoxicated . Either way , I'm through here .
TOODLES TO YOU BITCHES !

I was pissed .. anshit .

It's times like this I have to remind myself why I'm here . It being that patience is a virtue I have yet to master , my situation is superbly frustrating .
I absolutely HATE being on somebody elses time ! Whatever it is I have to do is never important enough for the person whose time it is to be done on ! I've moved away from everything I know and every attainable resource I'd possessed at any point in time , to a place where I have to depend on one person for everything . Not to say that this was a mistake , but I certainly wasn't prepared for this non-sense . Here I am on my last day off before having to work seven 12 hour days with no time for anything other than work , and all I wanna do is cash my pewny check , buy a new futon , and grab a sac . Now here it is 130 , and I've been awake since 1030 .. That in my opinion is ample time to do all of the above yet NONE of it had been done (of course not on my own accord) .
I feel like I may just snap .. b/c worst of all , this plan was MUTUALLY made LAST FCKN NIGHT !! >_____< But why has it not been hatched ?? b/c it's only important to one of us that it is completed .. & speak of the devil , here this broad come outside demanding my help like I haven't been waiting on her& all fuggin morning .. I'll be there when I get there . How ya like me nahh ?! BOW do it two times on em BOW BOW !!

the complexities of MOTIVATION .

Sitting under the stars , surrounded by coconut and palms trees , all I can seem to think about how the days keep gettin harder and the nights lonelier . It seems like I can't win . With Motivation & Ambition tatooed on each side of my waist line , I still allow lifes low blows to distract me from my purpose - momentarily .
It seems like it's something new everyday . As soon as I get back on track with optimism , cynacism creeps up on my ass . I truly believe that everything happens for a reason , and I preach it all the time - yet I steadily question everything . Why me ?! What did I do ?! Ya know , the usual shit . But in all honestly I just need to shut the fuck up and let life take it's course . Where am I gonna go if I continue to question everything ?
I don't blame anybody but myself for the bullshit life chucks at me - that's right , I hold myself responsible - because I KNOW that it's all a test .. That of which I plan to pass . They say you'll never appreciate the light if you've never seen the dark , and gooooooot DAMN I've been in the dark . Granted I do see light , but the majority of it is dark Oh well though ¯\(ツ)/¯ .
Everyday it's up to me to keep myself conscious of the reasons why I'm here . IM HERE TO SUCCEED DAMMIT ! And I will be DAMNED if I don't ! I'm so fucking determined to get through this shit aint no way I won't !
After everything I've been through , I know this is something that I have to experience . I've been HIGH and LOWWW - but I know I an go lower and MUCH higher .
The best has yet to come for me people , so don't read this and think it's a sob story for you b/c it's quite the opposite . This is for ME , so I can remember how it feels to be down when I get UP . Because without this , there can be not THAT .
*PEACE*