Pieces.

Have you ever started to cry, and didn't really know why?
Feeling like, your heart was moving faster than your mind?
Like, what you feel is so surreal .. & your thoughts just can't deal?
I can't tell if I'm sad or if it's something more.
When confusion gets the best of me, I can't seem to find the rest of me.
There are pieces of me that I am not sure whether or not need to rediscovered or uncovered.
Who am I?

Realism

For a long time I felt as though I was doing something wrong by being myself. I mean, all I ever do is be me, that is what we are supposed to be. However, not until recently did I come to terms with the understanding that not everyone will appreciate you for who you are. I had no idea such a thing was possible.
It never occurred to me that speaking my mind would be such a big deal. Although, in fact, it is true that humans are not built to endure the truth. I have seen and heard in many a time and many a place, that "the truth can cause pain, but a lie can heal all." Though this seem to stand as a plausible reason to tell a lie, I for one see it as an excuse. How many times have you personally heard the, "I just want somebody to keep it real with me at all times" spiel? Enough times to repeat verbatim to your grandchildren's grandchildren, no? I thought so. The problem with that is, people just CANNOT handle the truth.
Throughout my life I have been judged, ridiculed, and set aside because of this and or that reason, so, I make it a point to never judge a person, and see things from every which angle possible. This allows me to keep it real. Need further explanation? I got ya.
Keeping it real goes far beyond a saying. Keeping it real is when you have the ability to step outside a situation, even one that you are in, to see things from both sides of the game and give thee most logical and realistic answer possible. Whether that be from experience, or simply being hip to the game. Keeping it real is speaking your mind without worry of how it may be taken, because your every word expresses how you truly feel; nothing more, nothing less. Keeping it real, is just keeping it fucking real yo. Telling the truth without giving a shit how it make somebody feel, because after all, they asked for it. Right? Keeping it real is a way of life. However, keeping it real can, and will go wrong, on many occasions. Why, you ask? Because, once again, people can't handle the truth.
Reflect for a moment, if you will. Have you ever been asked a question to be answered honestly, but been afraid, or worried, if you will, to give your honest opinion in answer so as not to hurt a persons feelings? Sucks doesn't it? THIS is the problem. When someone asks you for your honest opinion, it is not YOUR problem if they are offended by your answer, that is there problem. More than likely, this person is bothered by your response because they themselves recognize it as the truth they have been running and or hiding from. Now, should you feel bad for hurting or offending someone you love or care for? I would not blame you. However, think about this for a second. If these are people that you love and or care for, you would figure that they know you well enough to recognize that your words were not meant to be taken as anything short of what they asked for. Truth. Honesty. Unfortunately, you will not be able to appease or soothe everyone into your understanding, which is why being a realist is important when it comes to keeping it real.
Realism is often overlooked as  factor in everyday life. But, how can you be worldly if you are not? To me it seems to have been made clear that people will never be happy until they can grasp this concept. If we took the time to really look at things from every angle possible, we would be able to think, and politic over what seem to controversial or touchy subjects. We would ALL have the capacity to respect one another's opinions to the point of curiosity. Don't you see? Curiosity is why we are all here as Americans today. We are able capable of thought, but few of us exercise it.
Think my good people. We are all greater than the  negativity we think we each intend for one another.

nomad.

wandering.
an idea of where i belong, i have not one.
at times things get so fuzzy; surreal.
life; a mystery that i am not sure i have to desire to unlock.
with the life that i live i have no choice but to live life by the moment.
no time for petty arguments or worries. today could be my last.
family and friends; they are few and far between.
no time for other people's bullshit. today could be my last.
opportunity is before me.
no time for doubt. today could be my last.

The respect I once had for my father has graduated to fear and settled at disdain. I used to want to have everything to do with my father. Then, I just wanted to stay on his good side. Now, I can barely even stomach his presence.


"How did we get here?" I often times ask myself. Once daddy's little girl and now enemy of the state. Sometimes I wish I could blame myself just for the sake of having answer to this question I once lost sleep over, but I can no longer let this issue plague me. I know for fact I am not at fault for the dormant status of the relationship between my father and I, and he's just as confident that I am.


So what do you do when push comes to shove? Blink ... You can change your situation just that swiftly. In the blink of an eye you could lose it all, so it's best not to dwell. I dwelled for sooooo long on this situation to the point where I ran out of thoughts. So, now, I just live. Maybe one day he'll see the light, but until then I'll just have to follow my own light. It's sad to say, but I just can't be worried about that shit. I love my father with all that I have ten fold, but NO ONE will bring me down!


"You got two options; hold me down or slow me down. & if you choose the second, well then you won't be round!" - Lito

BALANCE.

I've been feeling different lately; can't really describe the feeling though. Although I can see that I feel careless, or better yet, care free.
It just seems, or feels, as though my life is headed in the right direction - and as good as it does feel, I must say it feels rather, awkward in a way. I suppose I feel this way because this feeling of satisfaction, or contentment is new to me. I've been at points in my life where I felt like I was "doing some" , so to speak, but never more than now.
To see myself sticking to my plan, and steadily checking things off of my to-do list feels stupendous. Granted, everything isn't going how I would want it tl go, it still feels good. I used to let my circumstances bring me down mentally and all slow me down in life, but now they serve as nothing more than motivation.
I can honestly say that I have been much closer to my definition of happy before, but times and circumstances are different. Who can genuinely be happy or fulfilled with simply maintaining? Now don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that for some it is a blessing to be able to; but seriously, who's satisfied by just that? We all want more out of life than what we currently possess, and it is under the control of us as individuals to obtain these things for ourselves.
We can sit back and use the excuse of another individual's faults to cover our tracks, but that's not doing anything but making us appear as lesser than the person we believe we are. I find it so very important to present ourselves as nothing short of greatness, because I know no one looking for anything less than that.
So many people sell themselves short of life as a whole. We as individuals so often let our lack of or overzealous confidence lead us in the wrong direction. I believe that we should learn to balance these two poles in order to possess, sustain and maintain life in. Whatever aspect.
It is this balance that creates modesty, keeping you levelheaded and focused,  that we need to reach our specific goals as individuals.
Don't lack confidence; it's a sign of weakness to some. Don't be cocky; it's a sign of weakness to others.
BALANCE.

"Thank God for granting me, this moment of clarity, this moment of honesty. The world gone feel my truths." - Hova

Fiending.

I can feel my blood boiling and my temperature rising. The anger is building, and I find myself fighting to keep a sound mind and control over by body. My dependency issues have me fiending for a drink, a blunt, a pill .. anything. As sick as this may sound - this is my reality.

When I was younger whenever I found myself overcome with anger, all I could do was cry. But as the years went by I thought I had grown stronger, when in all actuality I had grown weaker. After the first time my best friend in high school got me blunted, there was no turning back. It was no wonder my parents smoked, that shit felt good. It helped me free my mind and it dismissed the pain .. temporarily. As soon as I could afford it I was smoking everyday as much as I could get my hands on, and as much as my body could consume. But shit, after so long, my thoughts started screaming at me even when I was lifted. I could no longer escape reality. I'm a dependent stoner.

These days, with money spread thin and an effort to better myself, I find myself not smoking .. But drinking. My father used to bartend so he has quite the collection, and with both parents being recovering alcoholics, I'm the only drinker in the house. I used to hate drinking and the feeling it gave me, but after little time of resistance I found myself indulged in a bottle of Skyy Spiced Vodka. Liquor in one hand .. chaser in the other. After that bottle was gone a couple of days later, I came up on an unopened bottle of Absolut Vodka. Needless to say, I cracked that sucker open, sat in front of my computer at night, liquor in one hand .. chaser in the other. Chugging and Chasing. Chugging and Chasing. I'm a dependent drinker.

What's happening to me? As if I didn't already know that my dependency was heightening, I still found a way to convince myself that I was just relieving a little stress, and it would do no harm. Shit. Here I am, sitting here, pissed the fuck off, wishing I could have a drink .. or a blunt. I've considered anger management,  because in all honesty I'm just an angry soul at this point. But from my point of view, the anger is only the surface of the issue. Beneath the surface lies years of .. years of .. SHIT. I don't even know what to call it anymore.

I've convinced myself that I am just feeling sorry for myself and need not press the issue. But the truth is, I am one fucked up individual. Damaged goods. No more useful than a broken promise.

So where do I go from here? I can tell you that I won't stop smoking or drinking anytime soon, fore these are the things that keep me sane. So for now, I guess I'll just continue to eat my thoughts. They keep my plate full and my stomach that much fuller.

Hypocrites.

It seems, from my point if view, that people are so busy protecting themselves from criticism that they have forgotten the principles behind their defense. With that being said, I feel as though we create hypocrites in within ourselves. Prime example; when we find ourselves giving advice, our favorite line is, "Well if I were you ..." when truhfully none of us can honestly say what we WOULD/WOULDN'T do unless we'd been in that very same position ourselves.
It being that most times we know nothing about a particular person's position in any situation until w have been placed in it,  when we are placed in that particular position we do nothing close to what we had previously advised. Nine out of ten times I can guarantee you are then a hypocrite. I mean, really, think about it. For you to give someone advice that you yourself can't even confidently assure that you would use makes you a hypocrite.
Furthermore, those of us who claim not to take advice because of this exact reason, yet still not only take advice and act on it, but also have the nerve to give advice when they aren't even confident in thr advice given, to use it themselves.
I, however, do personally do as though no one can give you advice better advice than YOU. As capable human beings we all come equipped with a conscience, that will undoubtedly lead you in the right direction, it's just that some of, later rather than sooner, learn to tune into our conscience and trust ourselves. I've found that when this point in time occurs, no matter how much the ultimately meaningless words of "advice" sound appealing, we go with our gut. Though sometimes we may be filled with thoughts of regret due to the not so fulfilling outcome of our decisions based off of our own conscience, we sooner or later appreciate the experience. The feeling that is felt when making your own decision is quite... refreshing I would say. As for those of us who think that we are capable of giving advice, lord help you. Not even Doctor Phil is worthy of giving the advice he gives. So please take your heads out of your asses and take a look in the mirror.
I don't say these things to appear "Holier Than Thou", so to speak, it is simply an expression of my personal thoughts. Doesn't matter whether or not you like or not; but you will respect it.

A.M. Thoughts

Man, why is it that for some, an admittance of guilty or fault just isn't enough? If it's not enough to have to swallow your pride and admit such things, there is always that one individual in your life that just has to put their two cents in, and it's always negative.
Prime example, I worked a double shift yesterday and got into some shit afterwards, which brought me home around 2 A.M. I fucked around and overslept, had to swallow my pride and ask my father for a ride to work. Now, alongside his reply of "yes" he bad to throw in the fact that my decision to stay out late was irresponsible. I'm just thinking dude, "WTF ever happened to if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all"? I mean fuck dude, I can't remember the last time this man said ANYTHING positive to me. Is a little positive reinforcement too much to ask for? I realize that I'm almost 23 years old and such things may seem immature, but for a hard working person such as myself, I would appreciate the slightest bit of positive commentary from my own fucking father. But nahh, that's too much to ask for.
Then to top it all off, the man has the nerve to press the issue of me not rushing to move out. Are you fucking kidding me? I deal with enough negativity and what not from outside sources, and the thought of living here longer than necessary & subjecting myself to that shit .. unbearable.
I love my family, but I just don't fit in with them at all. They're ao closed minded it annoys the fuck outta me. Right now I'm doing everything in my power to refrain from speaking out because in this house it causes nothing but problems. This shit is just not good for me. The memories that this beautiful house have left me with and continue to produce are simply too much for me.
Not only do I work my ass off, I have to tip toe around this house to protect my blessing of having this opportunity & my sanity. The shit is ridiculous.

"& I remain calm reading the 73rd Pslam, because with all that's goin on I get the world in my arms" - Lauryn Hill

Truths

What is your truth? Furthermore, whag lengths do you do to protect it? Hide it.
My truth? That's not whag we're here for.
So often, even daily we running from our truths. Releasing them into ou vices for the sake of having some place to blame. Blame? How dare you push such a thing as truth onto blame.
Most of us hide from the truth. Why? Oh don't ask me stupid questions and attempt to play me as a fool .. you know why.
It is said that "Truth shall set on free" .. and I feel this is true. However, if you are not yet ready to face the truth, in what way shall it aide you?
Indeed the truth is what we all seek and request from the next individual, but what does that mean when one can't come clean with self? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Until you decide you are ready to admit to self, the truth will do nothing but hurt you.
I, myself, have been battling ASHLEY and what my own truth may bring me. & in my personal opinion it is one of th hardest battles I havr ever endured.
To live life to the fullest seemingly impossible until you have come to grips what is .. and what simply is not.
At the end of my writing this I won't go back and proofread what I wrote, for these are simply my trutths.
All I ask of you, is to see see yourself fot who you are; be it good or bad, because at the end of the day, YOU have no choic but yo live with it .. while everyone else has the choice to pick you up and drop you .. just as you are
"FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES AS WE FORGIVE THOS WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US; ALTHOUGH THEM AGAIN WE WILL NEVA EVA TRUST" - Lauryn Hill

& this is where i'm at.

I feel fucking phenomenal. Just lying here in bed, smoking .. hiiiigh. It's kind of magical. Corny I know ,but I've come a long way in life and in Florida. I actually have the pleasure of waking up, rolling over and rolling up. Some people think I'm crazy for doing what I did - moving to a brand new state with a "friend" on a whim - and even crazier for staying when the proverbial shit hit fan. But I mean, what the fuck? I'm from a place that lacks opportunity and that just ain't for me. If you think you're doing something in my hometown move to New York, Florida or Cali or some shit and think again.
The world has so much to offer and I have every intention of taking advantage that FACT. I'm too ambitious to sit and wait for opportunity to make it's stop around my neck of the woods. Everything I've gone through has equipped me to go after what I want and lick my wounds quickly for there is no better time like the present.
Carpe diem, quam munimum credula postero
Seize the day with little faith in tomorrow.

Precipitation. Florida. Summer 2011.

As of late they come from nowhere. No evidence to support their presence. They just come and go. Flowing so freely, as if they belonged.. I wish I could feel this way. Tears are so lucky.

It is what it is G. Florida. Summer 2011.

Have you ever made a choice, thinking it was the right choice, but in the end it seems as though you had chosen wrong? Not to say that your faulty pick be a regret, instead a step back to make two steps forward. It is important to know how to make the right decision as opposed to an impulsive one. Sometimes we make decisions based off of what we FEEL as opposed to what we KNOW.

So what you gone do?

My being has been weakened. My heart nor my mind can fathom the words to express how either of them feel.. So I'll just write until my hands can't either.
Everyday there is something new and that's a given. Whether it be good or bad it's always something. What's today's something? This indescribable feeling teeter tottering between sanity and desperation. So thirsty for explanation without a drop of hydration in sight. But that's life isn't it? There's no explanation or map to aid us in any shape form or fashion. Sure we can look at the next person's life or our own lives and take note, but what good do these notes do if we don't know how to utilize them? So I lay here, with my legal pad of notes reviewing my life - mistakes and decisions I've made, values my parents instilled in me, and a few cliff notes from people watching - and I haven't a clue what any of it means. Everyday is a struggle to gain knowledge and move forward, but I just seem to be at a stand still. Everyday my mind is consumed of thoughts collected about then, now and what may come. They just kind of sit there and swim around one another, just as lost as their owner. They say that every happening has a purpose, a meaning,  a lesson intertwined in some way. To attempt to figure it all out at once is just a silly thought. Life is one of those things you have to take your time with and nurture. You can't try to treat her like an adolescent and direct her because she will indeed be the one to send you packing, asking yourself what the hell were you thinking.  See life is nothing to fuck with. You only get one of these fuckers, but at least you've got the entire time to figure it out.. to work with it & that is exactly what  I'm learning to do. Taking life one day at a time and I'm rolling with the punches.. winging it so to speak.
If there is one thing I've learned about myself in my time, it is that I am incapable of giving up. Now mind you, there is a difference between giving up and making a power move. Sometimes one must summon their intellect to not make what would necessarily be considered the right move, but the best move. After all, who knows what is better for you than you. Everyday you will have to look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are responsible for your own circumstances - then, now and whenever. Everybody makes fucked up decisions and that is just something that we have to deal with.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that life, in a sense, is what you make it. Granted at times there will be some not so helpful circumstances, but it will always and forever be up to you what you do next.
"Driving down the road with a couple more miles to go. I'm so close but they don't know." - Mac Miller
PEACE

Time out

Laying here for the past hour attempting to drift into a dream and attain some temporary sense of sanity.. all I keep thinking to myself is how much I continually give to life, love and everything else, and how little of it I see in return. I just give and give and give so selflessly telling myself it'll be worth it in the end. But what do I know? I'm 22 years old and I need guidance more than ever. Consistently looking to another individual for answers to questions I can't even decipher for myself.
It just seems like every time I see dawn, sunset directly proceeding it. I feel like I can't catch a break.. but that's my fault for thinking that life is something I should already knla how to handle. I know and have known in my heart for some time now that life is much more than what meets the eye. It's guns and butter, checks and balances, trial and error .. Life AND Death. None of which are to be tampered with.
See me I fucked up. Thinking that I could manipulate life into being what I wanted it to be, trying to finesse her and sweet talk into giving me my way.. and just like a female as soon as I thougt I had her where I wanted her she consistently reminds me who the HBIC is and puts me right back in my place. Needless to say, I find myself put in my place yet again like a kid in time out.
You know what I'm gonna do now though? Sit in time out and think about what I've done. But more importantly, I'll be plotting my next move.. my power move. Now is not the time for frivolous acts of desperation, but for intellectually plotted moves with precision. A time to compile all of these supposed lessons of life, man handle her ass, put some gorilla glue on her ass and tell her what it is and what it's gonna be. This here is just the beginning.
"Life is what you make it, I hope you make a movement. I hope the opportunity survives the opportunist." -Nipsey Hussle
PEACE

Florida. Summer 2011

Having time on your hands is supposed to provide you with the opportunity to do things you normally don't have the time to dedicate to. Problem is, in order for this theory to work properly one would actually need to possess things to do and the means to do them other than the time, and this is where my problem lies.
For the last two days I've been sitting on my ass with no money, friends or transportation to keep my mind off of the reality of my situation. I'm all the way in god damn Florida away from everything and everyone I can recollect a memory of since I was 9 years old. I moved here with someone whom I believed to be a friend. Not to say that I'm not thankful for the opportunity but shit, I got placed in a fucked up situation that tore my friendship apart and tarnished what little faith I had left in the institution of friendship.

Lemons.

Packed and ready with nowhere to go I can feel the tears towering behind my eyes. Accepting fault and swallowing ones pride are one in the same and I've done a great deal of both in these past few months. Still I cannot retrace my steps in order to grasp an explanation as to how i've become a part of this clusterfuck of a situation. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've found myself fucked over. Life's given me so many god damn lemons I'm bout ready to start chucking them shits back at it screaming " Fuuuuck Youuuuu! " .. The shit's getting old.
I know that life isn't easy and since I was 12 years old I've been acquainted with this theory - not that that makes it any easier to bare - all I'm saying is that I'm no stranger to struggle.
Back and forth I'm going in my head trying to figure out what to do  when it dawns on me that I'm not ready to throw in the towel, bow out gracefully or wave the white flag. It's never been in my nature to quit,explaining  why I'm having such an internal conflict about this mess. I feel as though.. I KNOW this is where I belong. I told myself I wouldn't look back.. That I wouldn't and couldn't turn my back on my goals.. & I won't.
When times get hard I just remind myself "On the rise to  the top, many people drop. Don't forget, in order to survive gotta learn to love with regrets." - Sean Carter
PEACE

so i was thinking ..

I think everybody deserves to be reassured that their problems will not bring about the end of the world . They say misery loves company , and this is true . However , I am more than confident that not one human being can say that they HAVEN't tried to console someone by letting them know they aren't the only one that deals with hardships . Indeed , sometimes people truly do want to bring others down to their level so that they aren't alone , but have you ever noticed how people can bond via negative experience ?
Just a random thought .

now .

I can't bring myself to regret the decision I've made . I won't wish for my previous circumstances to be of the present . & though I may fail many of it's tests , I'll never give up on life .
Each day it gets easier to accept circumstances for what they are , as I'm slowly realizing it is not in my power to change everything .. Just me . As time passes the overwhelming relevance of the bullshit situations I've dealt with , and continue to deal with , become ever more apparent . Reluctantly embrassing each situation as a sign and or learning experience , I can feel myself growing . They say it takes hellafied happenings for one to grow , and I'm currently in the midst of a growth spurt .
At this very moment in time life seems so complicated and easy all at the same time . Somewhat like a plan -- the easy part is creating it , the hard part is sticking with/to it . I know what I have to do and at this point in time nothing stands in my way .. Not even myself . I've decided I don't have time to worry about the next person and how their actions affect me , b/c at the end of the day the liability of my success falls back on ME .
I guess what I'm getting around to saying is Fuck The Bullshit . * looks down at tatted waistline * " My Motivation for Success is My Ambition to Succeed "
* PEACE *

well then now ...

it is becoming increasingly apparent and ever more irritating that people are just going to be people . no matter how inconsiderate , selfish , or flat out fucktard-ish they are , they will remain that way b/c they've gone so long doing so and have no desire to change . but hey , what can you do ? im sure i posses a few qualities that people would like to see modified , buuuuuut i think im fine .. and im sure the people i detest feel the same way about themselves . i guess this was a pointless point .. well not really - i really needed to get this off my chest .

*PEACE*

EVOLVE

They who play it safe are quick to assasinate what they do not understand
They move in pacts , ingesting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another
They feel most comfortable in groups - less guilt to swallow
They are us
This us what we have become - afraid to respect an individual
A single person within a circumstance can move one to change
To love herself - To evolve .

" Love's Deceit "

Pleasure turns to the pain of lessons learned from the strain of the questions burned in my brain about whether love is humane in its touch
These thoughts are like salmon swimming upstream in the tears of your deceit
Fighting a current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos of our intertwined emotions
Chaotic because the anchor of Eros’ arrow has been plucked from the vessel of my undying infatuation
Separation not as simple as the distance between us
My mind no longer possessed by the demons that had been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies
The seeds of these lies rooted so deeply they’ve cracked the foundation of what we once shared
Allowing the faith in us I had sealed inside to gush out like a river
Ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts as violently and as brutally as if it were a child being taken from its mothers arms
I’m left surrounded in darkness but I refuse to be swallowed by it
My loneliness like night air; invisible to the eye obvious to the touch, in its cold uncomfortable ness
Yet If I could do all over again I’d do it in the same skin I’m in
To lay down and let love die, just stay down and let love lie
No, no, no, no, not I
I’ll stay around and let love fly
Even though I’ve seen its darkest form; deceit
Nothing else could tastes this warm or feel this sweet

by Big Rube

self explanatory .

ive said all that just ta say this :
your greatest idea aint better than the ones i forget
the shit that i throw away to put on mixtapes , jam harder than your greatest hits
see when niggas say bullshit about me , i see it as an act of desperation , i dont see it as a diss
i keep the bullshit to a minimum - i no longer take chances , only calculated risks
see me , i get paid - all you broke niggas can only get pissed
cause im feastin on lobster and fillets and you burpin up sardenes and tuna fish
so best of luck to you suckas who kickin , screamin throwin fits
i guess its nothin left ta say ta you mothafuckas - except : ITS THE KIIING BITCH !
 - t.i.

the plot thickens .

Lately my mind has been focused on what could be , and how I plan to obtain the possibilities .
Being in the situation that I'm in I've been smacked in the face with the reality that I'd taken what I had back home for advantage . I never thought I'd miss my parents so much .. Or even the blessing of being able to make a 15 minute car ride to their home and see them when I miss them , or when I need to get away .
I'm surrounded by unfamiliarity and b/c of this I've found that I've adapted a dispostion that is not my own . I've always been somewhat anti-social and somewhat of a loaner , but under these circumstances I've been forced to be alone . Which is such bullshit b/c this isn't how I was lead to believe shit would happen .. But then again nothing ever happens the way it's supposed to .
I just can't believe this is happening to me . I've moved away from everything I know and made to believe things would be one way when come to find out it's the same exact things I thought I'd left behind . Once again I am stuck in a rut that I am incapable of getting out of .. Okay I take that back . A few days ago I'd say that I was incapable , but today I can say that I AM capable .
I'm fucking 22 years old dude . I can't live in my friends parents house forever . Granted I've only been living here for two months , but after living in your own space for the 12 months prior to that this shit is unbearable . Bottom line is , the plan that was once OURS has now been altered to be MINE . People won't understand where you're coming from unless they've been there , and it is safe to say nobody understands . I have no car , no family , no friends .. But I do have something . I have two jobs , school in the fall , and the determination to get out of this situation into my own .
I'm very aware that life won't be perfect still after that , but at least at that point anu foul play will solely that of my own . I'm not worried about how hard this is going to be b/c with the way I'm feeling now and what I've already been through in my life in general , the bad outcomes are the least of my worries .
So here is the future , and the struggle it may well bring . With God on one side , and a myriad of reasons to succeed on the other - LETS DO THIS .
* PEACE *

-_________-

When are people ever gonna fucking learn that I need my fuggin space when I'm upset ? Try to be comical to early and you'll only make it worse . Can I just get some fckn space ?! Goooota DAMN ! Don't fucking hover over me , don't even look in my direction when I'm pissed . Just lemme be pissed and I'll damn sure come to you when I'm ready to be fucked with . At this very moment in time Lotto is hovering over my shoulder reading what I'm writing -____- not cute with his cute ass anyway doe . Tonight I plan to get hella tore and be laughing about this in about an hour or so .. If we fucking make it there . The driver is not a very good driver sober .. Not sure I wanna see what he's like intoxicated . Either way , I'm through here .
TOODLES TO YOU BITCHES !

I was pissed .. anshit .

It's times like this I have to remind myself why I'm here . It being that patience is a virtue I have yet to master , my situation is superbly frustrating .
I absolutely HATE being on somebody elses time ! Whatever it is I have to do is never important enough for the person whose time it is to be done on ! I've moved away from everything I know and every attainable resource I'd possessed at any point in time , to a place where I have to depend on one person for everything . Not to say that this was a mistake , but I certainly wasn't prepared for this non-sense . Here I am on my last day off before having to work seven 12 hour days with no time for anything other than work , and all I wanna do is cash my pewny check , buy a new futon , and grab a sac . Now here it is 130 , and I've been awake since 1030 .. That in my opinion is ample time to do all of the above yet NONE of it had been done (of course not on my own accord) .
I feel like I may just snap .. b/c worst of all , this plan was MUTUALLY made LAST FCKN NIGHT !! >_____< But why has it not been hatched ?? b/c it's only important to one of us that it is completed .. & speak of the devil , here this broad come outside demanding my help like I haven't been waiting on her& all fuggin morning .. I'll be there when I get there . How ya like me nahh ?! BOW do it two times on em BOW BOW !!

the complexities of MOTIVATION .

Sitting under the stars , surrounded by coconut and palms trees , all I can seem to think about how the days keep gettin harder and the nights lonelier . It seems like I can't win . With Motivation & Ambition tatooed on each side of my waist line , I still allow lifes low blows to distract me from my purpose - momentarily .
It seems like it's something new everyday . As soon as I get back on track with optimism , cynacism creeps up on my ass . I truly believe that everything happens for a reason , and I preach it all the time - yet I steadily question everything . Why me ?! What did I do ?! Ya know , the usual shit . But in all honestly I just need to shut the fuck up and let life take it's course . Where am I gonna go if I continue to question everything ?
I don't blame anybody but myself for the bullshit life chucks at me - that's right , I hold myself responsible - because I KNOW that it's all a test .. That of which I plan to pass . They say you'll never appreciate the light if you've never seen the dark , and gooooooot DAMN I've been in the dark . Granted I do see light , but the majority of it is dark Oh well though ¯\(ツ)/¯ .
Everyday it's up to me to keep myself conscious of the reasons why I'm here . IM HERE TO SUCCEED DAMMIT ! And I will be DAMNED if I don't ! I'm so fucking determined to get through this shit aint no way I won't !
After everything I've been through , I know this is something that I have to experience . I've been HIGH and LOWWW - but I know I an go lower and MUCH higher .
The best has yet to come for me people , so don't read this and think it's a sob story for you b/c it's quite the opposite . This is for ME , so I can remember how it feels to be down when I get UP . Because without this , there can be not THAT .
*PEACE*

i .. i .. *sigh*

Sometimes when I think about you I feel as if I could cry . I think of the love that I have for you & realize that I'm scared as fuck to lose you .. And even more scared that this is all a sham and these feelings we claim as mutual are in all actuality one sided .

See the thought of loving you brings a smile to my face , but to HEAR YOU SAY those three words does so much more for me . Heart skips a beat , my forehead perspires .. it's so intense .
I've accepted the fact that at the end of the day I can end up looking like the straight fool , but ONLY because me , myself , and I have accepted that fact that these feelings are true and genuine . It's funny when I think about it , but I really had to have a conversation with myself to come to this conclusion .
I don't know what I'm trying to say , other than I Love You .

this shit RIGHT HERE nigga !?

i dont know not ONE pothead or so called smoker who hasnt heard this song .

it was the first song i had ever heard by boosie when i FIRST began my relationship with mary j .

i havent looked back ever since <3

FREE BOOSIE

the problem

* i always love what wale has to say . he's always spittin knowledge . i would really like to meet and converse with him someday .. about ANYthing . the lyrics below are from his first verse on The Problem

This is a ? but a mere portion of a semi-important life

Far from a complaint, but a mere look at the present showin you the changes that I made

The proverbial lemonade that I made

I made my mistakes, you see life's lemons often times come in a abundance,

In conjunction with the pressure that we're under

Underrated some would say, hated, and some say it's the things I say or how I say em.

And I admit, in this race I tend to struggle to relay them words

It's like I'm an alien who alienates by the herd, so as far as being heard

I guess I gotta wait, deprived by the station's eye

Wale, more times than not, am not for whom the air waves

Thank God for the free thinkers, for you keep me in mind,

In this state of mind that I'm in, for you keep me in the race with the baton that yall give

And they hype beat, street wear, Versace and Vuitton that I'm in

And really don't matter unless yall comin with

No days off, may we rip the face of the whole game off,

I'm gon say it to yall, I'm gonna put my faith in yall when I don't understand me

They say I'm runnin hip-hop but I'd rather unify with yall then stampede

And lastly for everybody who doubted I can't live without you, please

Continue to inspire the fire that is my re-dedication to greatness yall

Paint a picture to A.D. to freestyles to famous songs we out 'chere

Unforgettable gestures, unmeasurable effort, to pleasure the masses with impeccable work ethic

Let's get it, I go hard, no days off

When You Find ;)

speaks for itself ... 

regret

and .. even though we not talkin,
i dont wanna close the coffin.
ta be honest this shit is exhaustin.
- swear i go through this too often.
heart pumpin head racin
got my mind in a million places
so gone..so gone
wait what type of shit are you on?
get me here and the next minute you gone?
the fuck is goin on?!
done put you on a throne
shit i even put you ON!
you're not the person i met....
i can't believe you've become something i regret .
and though it's for the best, i guess i just wasn't ready yet ..
i mean .. for the regret

got ya

a love like this
i didn't ask for ..
that of which pours from my pores .
a love like this -
i can't say ive been waiting for ..
but i can't say it's easy to ignore .
a love like this
gives me so much more ..
a myriad - a plethora .. a score
of emotions - emotions to explore .
a love like this
could make one unsure .. is this pure ?
a love like this -
that of which consumes you , your thoughts .. your being .
a love like this ..
my heart beats for ..
a love like this i no longer look for .

fck what you talkin bout o_O

the city disappears under the clouds & moments later it reappears full scale, birds eye view. my ears pop, frog in my throat .. this is it. & all im thinkin is 'damn i shoulda peed and grabbed some starbucks before i hopped on this fckn flight' haha. i shed not a single tear, but the baby on the flight didn't think twice -__- for what though? shed tears for a new beginning ? not at all, im ecstatic! for so long ive lived my life as an unhappy person and i couldn't figure out what the problem was. was it me ? yeap ! i always made decisions based on what everyone else's reaction would be, or how my decision may affect the next person. & ever so approriately wale's ambitious girl shuffles onto my ipod .. ive got ambitions bigger than the eye can see. ya see ? this move is something i have to do for ME. i don't really give a fuck ya know? parents tried ta talk down about the possibilities w/o realizing that i am very aware of the possible negative outcomes, but im so over thinking about the negative. with this change in my life i plan to change many different things, starting with this : i am fully focused on the positive. it's obvious that bullshit is ever so graciously calculated into our lives at an upsetting sum, but how can we ever be happy and focus on the have's as opposed to the have not's, if we so willingly overwhelm ourselves with the negative? that sounds like bad math in my book.
anyhow, what im basically sayin is lets make a toast to change - not that bullshit change folks be TALKIN about - a change to vow to. fuck a new years resolution, there's too many damn days in a year to just aim for one goal - pshhhht. this change is for me, you, and everybody else whos scared to make a change. #iSaluteYou ! *sips flight apple juice* PEACE

adele - chasing pavements .

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust
I know this is love
But, if I tell the world
I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

[Chorus]
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waitin' as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it

[Chorus]
Or should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there
Should I give up
Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements
Should I just keep no chasin' pavements
Ohh oh

[Chorus x2]

pac joints .

these are just a few of my favorite songs by tupac . i adore him as an artist of many abilities <3

hit em up .

i get around .



ambitionz as a ridah .

california love .

keep ya head up .

do for love .

<3

Seems like I think the world of you, which is too much if you ask anybody else. But you wanna know the difference between my opinion and theirs? Well for one theirs doesn't count either way you spin it, but other than that, they just don't know you like I do. They don't know what you do for me - what we do for one another.
We seem to have this magnetism for one another that can't be denied. I don't know how this happened, but in all honesty I'm over trying to figure it out. But in a good way. Sometimes the search for explanation can ruin the prize, and just between you and I I think I'll pass on that. Why ruin something so sweet and fulfilling? I'm very aware of the risks I'm taking by indulging in such an experience and I'm fine with that.

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero - Seize the day, put no trust in tomorrow. I could sit here and cling to my past filled with repetitive failed attempts at love, but there's one simple reason why I can't and won't do it; this isn't an attempt. This cloud that we tend to float on seems to have been waiting for us. Waiting for us to find one another and float in bliss. That's what it's starting to feel like - bliss. Something so comfortably unexplainable couldn't be anything more or less.

i think my foolish pride may become my suicide

it makes no sense that im here right now

not to me anyway ..

& even though this is MY issue ,

i can't help but blame you

this just aint me ..

i don't think so anyway .

perhaps this is just me with you ..

well , on you really .

it's .. this .. you're more like a drug .

so yeah i blame YOU !

yehhhh YOU !

who am i kidding ...

i jumped in no safety net ,

now my face is a wreck .

they tell me " smile babygirl it aint that bad ! "

bad ?

bad is when you disobey your parents .

bad is failing a test you studied for .

bad is ..

this aint bad - hell it aint even worse .

this ?

this is rad

more so than the movement itself .

& you expect my feelings to simply be shelfed ?

well i thought of better my damn self !

how bout i take you & put YOU on a shelf ?!

i wonder what it is you keep tellin yaself ?

Fuck

what do i keep tellin myself ?

hearts screamin ! - keeps yellin !

i can't even hear myself !

& to think , i thought love and happiness were two words synonomous to themselves .

but you're right ya know - maybe this isn't good for our health .

because ultimately - we're just fighting ourselves .

i wore you like a crown - my sweeet PRIDE

so i guess the blames on my side ...

emotionally insecure while remaining secure ? thats impossible . for so long i had convinced myself that i was secure ; in both my person and my emotions . but , as a woman i am controlled by my emotions , whatever the emotion , whatever the situation . isn't it obvious ? before i even know im upset  mt face is engulfed in flames ; before i can feel my sorrow , my eyes precipitation has told the world ; & even before i am vengeful , my genius is already churning .

to come to this realization is means .. a lot . anybody who knows me knows that i am one strong mothafucka . ive been through so much . but what they dont know or see is that i have not always been this way . once sheltered and scared of the world i had nothing more than fear and ignorance . but , after battling so long to defend myself against my past , i find myself embodying the enemy .

i dunno . i guess what im trying to say is that people will never know who you are until you tell them . there are many people in my life who believe they know me oh so well , but in reality , me along with about three other people in my life know so well , that they can literally tell me about myself .

my person is so underdeveloped and unequipped for this world . when i think this , i think about all the things i can do to better my life and my person . and the truth is , i dont know . but who does ? who really know exactly what they are supposed to do in life to make it ? NOBODY . for 22 years ive done this trial and error thing and ive come to the conclusion it will never be over , and i am perfectly fine with that . to map out life with the perfect plan or any plan is boring and useless .

idk .. judge me or judge me not - im just writing whats on my mind .

Mac Miller - Another Night

for real though

i wrote this a couple of years ago about a man who came and went in my life , and i allowed to do so .

reading this reminds me of all the reason i never wanna fall in love again - too risky .

at times i wish i were naive enough to believe what you say

for your words of redemption to silence my insecurities

my heart to triumph over my mind

& my soul to flow in bliss

.. but ignorance isnt as blissfull as it seems .

yehehhh .

i neva been too good at speakin my thoughts ;
cant really ask my friends , because they dont know about this .
so i decided to write this letter instead ,
and let my thoughts bleed through this pen .

dear homie/luvahh/friend ,

hell i dont even know where to begin .
well , livin in this life of sin
sometimes its hard to tell where it begins , and where it ends
aye - im obsessed with the way our love transcends
been in since the beginnin and i dont wanna see this end .

dear homie/luvahh/friend ,

with the pedal to the medal , im tryna stick by you
the past is the past and thats where it'll stay
just dont take your love away !
& though it may sound trite ,
with a love so real and so right
it seems to be causing a fight .
the mind will never understand the battles of the heart ,
but the blame is not your part .
i just want you to know you have my heart !
& you as well take it if you choose to depart ..
i promise to protect your heart , because this here is OUR fresh start .

dear homie/luvahh/friend ,
the end .

trippin ;)

i wanna take a trip
would you allow me to swim around in your thoughts ?
- you intrigue me .
can i tickle you aspirations ?
- so determined .
would you mind if i dove into your distant memories ?
- see i just wanna know what to fix .
now can i kiss your intellect ?
- so sweet .
i just wanna now .. can i ?

<3

more .

& if im jealous - you'll never know it
but of course my pride wont let me show it
so i sit here as if i were a poet ..
and think of all the ways i could show it
but thats not what we're here for
- to settle the proverbial score
when we set it all aside and its just - you & i -
aint nothin they can do ta me
for you i withstand the scrutiny
for you is what this used to be
for some reason , i can feel your soul shining through ta me
back then id acted so stupidly
understand this is all new to me
and still its not feeling i can ignore
but here and now , with you i wanna explore
i wanna see if this feeling of legitimacy is something more .

vessel .

i pick up my pen , and this is what happens ..
EVERYtime ..
- " writers block "
who came up with this shit anyway ?
wait - am i even a " writer " ?
of what is  writer composed ?
a pen , pad and  couple thoughts ?
b/c thats honestly all ive got .
i dont sit here and think and plot
i really just sit here and jot
.. whatever comes to mind .
and when im done - the pen just .. drops .
no need to persue something that simply is not .
but like i said - i dont have much
so i give it what i got
a little bit of love - and a lotta bit of pain
few of my hearts drops
and THIS is what i got .

.. guess it wasnt writers block .

authentic .

i see right through you ..
you aint rappin nothin new !
but see i got somethin fa YOU .
while you sittin there wit ya pride in  sling and ya heart upstream ,
im tryna live out these dreams - dont you see ?
man - you doin what THEY do and that just aint US
see now everybody got a new breed
and we the prototype !
the make ya mad cause we livin life type ;)
now you know they just talkin right ?
cause imma need you to see the light !
aint it lonely in the dark ?
i bet thats whole stole ya heart ..
THEM .
them nay sayers and no brainers ....
but check - its a no brainer
what you doin over there ?
come join the party cause we livin it UP
no drop top baby
straight twistin em up ;)
on a curve no breaks just livin it uuuup !

greetings .

inhalation is my current concentration

sittin on a cloud sendin you my salutations

i said to you come on - but see you be hesitatin

& while you concentratin on ya current situation

im GONE - to a secret location

no up , no downs .. just a couple clouds around .

i - pack the bowl with no hesitation
gotta get high before i hit this plantation
no shame in my ways cause i prefer my sanity
call me madd hatter cause they all mad at her
snapbacks ta the side like " daaaamn look at her " ;)
my attitude is potent and everybody knows it
but they gather round as if i smelled like ROSES
- or better yet dosha
a familiar scent to some , yet a stank odor to others
i show my ass cause they dont wanna see the rest of me .

** disclaimer - i was just foolin on the wake and bake w/this one